Hello,
We all know about the tremendous power of tefillah and giving brachos when one is embarrassed and doesn’t answer back. I would like to bring up one point that sometimes gets overlooked: when someone suffers an embarrassment in public, it is important to be sensitive to their feelings.
In the week before Pesach, I was in a local store together with what felt like half of Lakewood. When I approached a saleswoman for assistance, the overworked girl let out a whole stream of angry words at me, in essence blaming her frustration for the entire busy season on me. The entire store quieted down; everyone listening to her yell at me. As soon as she finally left me alone, I blindly started for the exit, fighting back tears until I got to the privacy of my car. On my way to the door I was stopped no fewer than 4 times by a person rushing towards me eagerly, hoping to take advantage of my mortification by asking me to daven for them. I could have done well with a large dose of sensitivity and sympathy, and instead I was being barraged by people who were so excited to have witnessed a case of someone remaining quiet.
I desperately hope that everyone’s tefillos will be answered l’tovah, and no one should ever suffer embarrassment, but if you ever witness such a case, please be sensitive to the victim.
TLS welcomes your letters by submitting them to letters@thelakewoodscoop.com
I hear this side. But in their defense it is supportive what their underlying message is intended to be.
No it’s not.
How about we listen to people and stop telling them how to think or why they are wrong.
This person felt very embarrassed.
This person had an opportunity for themselves to take advantage of if they felt they could
This person is NOT your opportunity to take advantage of.
If anything, perhaps, maybe, it’s possible, a kind word letting them know you feel terrible for what they just experienced is ok. Although probably not at that moment. Whats forsure not ok, so please don’t try to make it ok, is for you or anyone else to approach a person who was just publicly humiliated and ask them to think of you.
You make about as much sense as Santos.
Why not just throw out a “booha” to each of them and go on your way. If the godol of our generation, R’ Chaim Zt”l despite his advanced age and him learning every available minute of his life, still found time to bentch the many hundreds a day with his trademark “booha”… I think you can do the same….
And you sir, have demonstrated exactly what insensitivity is.
Your comment missed the point so badly, i would’ve thought its just to cause hock, but sadly, it IS likely that you are just being obtuse.
Try to ask yourself if someone who was embarrassed wants to acknowledge that to random people in public. Then maybe you’ll understand why this has no comparison to R’ Chaim and “booha”.
Sheesh.
If you would be truly sensitive, you should be so to other peoples feelings; meaning to the hardship that the bracha requester is experiencing. Then you would feel honored to have the opportunity to help them. Yes, perhaps they could have empathized with you more while requesting, they too are in pain.
May hashem help both.
It is the epitome of Achzarius to ask a person who is humiliated to be empathetic to another persons at that moment.
First of all, the letter writer never claimed to be sensitive, that is entirely an (unwelcome) pejorative of your own offering.
The writer described a scene of which many an average person would feel humiliated. That of being publicly reprimanded in unkind fashion.
Additionally your misplaced sympathy is one of self-centeredness and callousness.
First, you should learn the difference between acute and chronic
Second, You should NEVER aggravate and try to capitalize on someone elses pain to relieve another persons! That is so anti Torah, and seichal hayashar, it cannot be overstated!
This is the second comment of this nature i see here, and honestly, what utter selfishness, to further pain someone else because you have a benefit.
Its appalling.
Hashem should help everyone.
in the whole “get a brachah from someone that was maver al medosav” story the hardship was to find someone who was truly ma”m. so you kind of have to now play your roll….sorry.
maybe the embarrassment of being asked for brachos is part of the being maver al medosav and not saying “why are you all asking me for brachos when I just got embarrassed”?
here we go again, another person asking someone to be “ma’aver al midosav”
Lets make one thing very, very, clear.
THERE IS NO CHIYUV TO BE MA’AVER AL MIDOSAV!
But there IS a chiyuv to not cause someone embarrassment and distress.
SO the people asking for brachos are doing an aveira (although probably shogeg, not realizing that it was further embarrassing, though there is definitely some pshia there)
Go look up the actual halachas.
Choshen mishpat 421
Chinuch 338
Before you are a tzadik on yennems cheshbon, or, better yet,
a rasha for capitalizing on someones tzar.
If this story doesn’t “teitch up” the loss of common sense and simple mentchlichkeit, I don’t know what does!
I feel terrible for the letter writer and offer my deepest sympathies for the embarrassment. Please know that 99.9% of people understand you.
( I feel worse for the absolutely clueless comment writers who have even less common sense. ).
Teach your children it’s not about YOU. Just help someone who is suffering. Don’t seek your own angle to benefit.
Finally a normal comment.
Thank You whoever you are!
Curious as to where do you get your figures from? I mean 99% is quite a stretch, it would seem at least from the ones commenting on this platform. I am of the opinion that the writer should have just bentched everyone that asked her.
@cool Masmid
Your probably right, not 99% of people, but yes 99% of people with yashrus!
No person has any chiyuv to bentch anyone. And no one has to expose themself to humiliation to give another person a bracha.
Its a fardreiteh world we live in.
1. There is a CHIYUV not to be metza’er someone. ( ona’as devarim) More so not to cause someone Busha
2. There is ZERO chiyuv to give someone a bracha if it causes (or is a situation that causes) increased humiliation.
But you somehow twist this around, excusing those who added to the embarrassment, (though, again, I’m sure they were shogegim, not realizing that it would increase the discomfort).
And condemn the person who suffered embarrassment for not going above and beyond.
This is a rediculous, and, quite frankly, disgusting way of thinking.
See chinuch 338 where he specifically says that it acceptable AND APPROPRIATE to retort to one who has disrespected you! And the “ohavav k’tzeis hashemesh, is going on specific chassidim”!
And this chinuch is brought L’halacha in CH”M 421.
In fact the Tzon Kadshim goes as far as to suggest that if 1 humliates another, and the person STRIKES him in return. He would be PATUR!
So please. Stop demanding the highest levels of chassidus from good yidden, and give a Yid the honor they deserve, and allow them to save face, without them having to set up a brachos stand.
CH”M 421 where it clearly states
This reminds me of the “joke” about someone who was so excited when he saw a person who nebach had a horrible physical disformity. He ran over and excitedly recited out loud the bracha of “mishaneh es habrios” After all, he had never had the chance to recite the bracha and he wasn’t going to let this wonderful opportunity get away…The point of this “joke” is to teach a lesson about frumkeit turning into krumkeit. I totally understand the pain of this letter writer.
um your name….
People in glass houses…
the people who asked her for brachos as she was rushing out in humiliation – socially inappropriate.
the people who, after hearing how embarrassed she was and only think of what they can get out of her – narcissistic.
Thank you for sharing this experience. It will B’ez”H educate many people about the proper way to act with other people in similiar situations. This letter reveals some of the tmimuskeit that exists in our community which is a beautiful thing but it still needs to be kept within reason.
I agree with commenter midnight. The reason the Bracha of the letter writer is so powerful is because LW did not react to public humiliation with angry words or even justified retorts, but simply withdrew. And that’s because public humiliation is such an ordeal for the one experiencing it and an aveira on the part of the inflicting it. So how can embarrassing LW and prolonging the humiliation by demanding a Bracha be a good thing? Surely any Bracha so obtained, even if the LW is giving it with the best of intentions, will be tainted with the LW’s further embarrassment. The LW is not a public resource to be exploited, but a person who has suffered public humiliation and should be comforted, or at least allowed to regroup in peace if that’s their preference. This isn’t like chapping bircas hailanos before the end of nisson, this is a real person’s suffering.
To the LW, I admire your respectful response and appreciate your letter. I hope you have all revealed good.
So in short, there is a really nice story that people hear, and they try to use it to reinforce a behavior in their own family.
Then when an opportunity to mirror the story comes up in real life, they try to seize the moment.
In the meantime, the hero/victim of the story is not interested not prepared to become the Rebbe of a major Chassidus on the spur of the moment.
Welcome to reality.
Off topic, but is no one else bothered that a saleswoman would yell like that at a customer?
Yes, and no.
The saleswoman did something very wrong.
SO yes, she may* have to ask mechila and should not do that.
But the reason why people arent commenting on that, is because we all have thse times when we make mistakes, and do wrong things.
Even good people do.
Thats why there is a concept of asking mechilla.
IOW Theres nothing for anyone to condemn because, barring any opposite indication, no one, not even the saleswoman, is condoning the behavior.
So it simply isnt the topic of debate here.
I am so sorry for what you experienced. Common sense is truly uncommon today. Ignore all the terrible comments blaming you, the victim, and please know that many more people are horrified by what you experienced and feel for you.
To those out there trying to validate the terribly insensitive actions of those brachos seekers, please seek advice from a competent religious figure that you admire to see if your priorities are aligned properly before you hurt anyone.