Letter: In Reply to B’Lev Echad

Bs”D

These words are put to paper with all due respect to the Gedolim, and the heart and mind devoted to the idea of B’Lev Echad.

It is a noble effort and will require infusions of money to fund mental health professionals to deal with the epidemic of divorce. I imagine it’s been conceptualized because divorce among young marriages has imploded. In fact, the divorce rate has been skyrocketing for the last decades.

The advertisements mention learning in Israel, a different country and language as a possible cause. There are many more. That example is a tangible. The decision of where to begin married life, is usually made during the dates, and presented to the parents as a pinnacle of the commitment. To the bochur, It seems lofty and support is there, so why not? Covid was another serious contribution, but there are many more factors.

The economy has been in decline and if mainstream America is feeling that reality, Yidden who pay more for Kashrus and Schar Limud certainly are.

I feel if money is to be assigned to this worthy cause, it may be done in a precautionary fashion, rather than as a reaction. The quality of budding marriage is directly connected to the shidduch crisis. How and when a shidduch is redt, what criteria sought, what preparation for dating and marriage was provided all factor in to how the marital foundation is cemented.

Notions about long-term learning are established in the high school/seminary and Bais Medrash years. Yes, it’s noble. And no, it’s not within everyone’s ken and that doesn’t make them “less”. Encouraging a true alternative- kovea itiim L’Torah – one or two hours per day x 7 weekly x 52 yearly x 60 plus years: ADDS UP to a significant block of learning that often comes with mesiras nefesh. This learning in conjunction with shouldering responsibilities!

I propose mandatory classes, from 11th grade up through Seminary and Bais Medrash, subsidized by parents. The classes to introduce a toolbox that is vital for the twists and turns called life, that begin when one is married. Two times a week-with prepared presentation that don’t need to be onerously long; 20-30 minutes over two years or more can be very informative. Especially in this era of click/click- immediate response and debit card purchasing, the awareness of the need to listen, hear, deliberate, tolerate, and accept is very important. It is vital that two that commit are speaking the same language. Which Midos are most important to you? Does everyone struggle with some Midos? What is long-term learning? What does helping in the home or with parnosa constitute? What is the reality of how far a dollar stretches? What does DOING WITHOUT mean? What happens if Chas V’Shalom, promised support isn’t feasible? What is down time to each? How does being in the family way affect the Aishes Chayil? What does compromise (vatronus) actually mean? Is the impending or budding marriage based on shared ideals, respect and love- OR conditional on that monetary support?

When engaged, trained Choson and Kallah teachers can help pave those months of preparation. In some worlds, these same people remain available for a year or two and that is a system that should be copied and extended.

Besides these funded classes, a sum for post-marital help can be set aside, culled from a chasuna’s “extras” being pared down. A day after the wedding, one musician, one bar, flower arrangement or frill less– won’t be remembered.

Lev Echad- can become something huge. I hope in its infancy, it can be tweaked and perhaps it can help both the shidduch journey and then the building of a Bayis Neeman b’Shalom endeavor.

How does one present these thoughts for their consideration?

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20 COMMENTS

  1. You are so correct; I don’t even know if you know how right you are!!!

    I talked to a SHADCHEN a few days ago, and she told me that today’s marriages are disposable.

    1 Getting ready for marriage starts at home; seeing a father and mother treat each other correctly is the first step to marriage.

    2 It’s impossible for a marriage to work when you have two young kids getting married, thinking that life is one big rosy picture. I HOPE IT IS FOR EVERYONE, but unfortunately, that’s not the fact.

    3 It’s impossible for a boy or girl to learn what marriage is just from taking a few hours of classes from a CHISON or KALLAH teacher.

    4 when was the last time a boy or a girl had to make a tough decision? I think the hardest decision that they had to make was what kind of dress to wear or what type of suit to wear for a wedding that they were going to. How do you expect them to have a good marriage?

    5 I think the letter writer missed one point. There have to be classes for parents of the girl and the boy to know how to act to their married children, and absolutely not mix into their marriage, so many times they just destroy the marriage.

    Something drastic has to happen to save these marriages!!

  2. Thank you (moderated) for the explosion of divorces in our community !

    Could not have done it without you.

    Long Time Shadchan

      • I think anyone in the Parsha knows who it is. Even though it is moderated. It used to be that before a couple got divorced, the participating party would listen to BOTH sides. Now, one can go to a Rav, unload a sob story, (because the spouce is abusive and manipulative of course) get his support, even without the Rav ever hearing the second side.

  3. There are high schools (out of town) that have Yesod Habayis classes on these topics in 12th grade. They also bring in Shalom Task Force to give a presentation on what a healthy marriage is and not. Most Chosson and Kallah classes don’t focus on communication and Shalom Bayis tips. Some Rabbanim will not agree to be Mesader Keddushin unless the chosson and Kallah take at least 3 of these such classes. Midos is the key. Not just looks and money. Even if your Rosh Yeshiva and Shadchanim convince you otherwise.

  4. If I may give a humble suggestion to this letter writer (and others that submit to TLS). Please get to the point. People have limited attention spans. If you propose to present your thoughts in this letter for consideration, it really is not necessary to begin with a preamble about the economy, the shidduch crisis, covid and kashrus. You can make your point by simply stating that there are many enticing factors for young couples to begin married life in EY.

  5. Noam- I am sorry but you missed the point. EY is only one challenging factor that challenges young marriages. The post meant to highlight “preparation” in aim, reality and commonality.
    Yesod Habayis classes sounds like a plan that should be introduced “in town” as well.

    • You are correct that the post meant to highlight preparation.

      That is precisely why I suggested that in the future, the writer should omit references to kashrus and covid and the economy (and even the shidduch crisis).

      There is no need to digress into an explanation of the reasons why a young couple might wish to begin married life in EY.

      They distract the reader and erode the letter’s coherency.

  6. before they teach about yesod habayis or instead of that they need to teach about yesod ha’adam! if a young person recognizes who he/she is and what he/she can become that should be enough to have a happy marriage, but if a person does not realize who they are and what potential they have to become special then what will it help to teach them yesod habayis when they do not focus on yesod ha’adam?

  7. Learn how to shun materialism and be happy with life. Put an end to the modern day craze of fancy stores, kiddishm , vacations , houses etc. Everyone needs to stop chasing an ostentatious lifestyle even if you give $1B to tzadaka and are “entitled”. Its impacts everyone around you to chase after this. Yes even if you can afford it, its time to stop it and help your own family plus the klal. Don’t lecture me about jealousy because its a silly argument on multiple levels. Stop flaunting first. I bet there will be fewer divorces if we are content.

    • Hey, mid class.
      Don’t stress, unless YOU are in the red from pressure about peer pressure surrounding materialism. This is NOT a good case for “if you can’t beat em, join em”.
      People do what they want and everyone is responsible for their own choices.

  8. At 1:22 A.M. Curious – perhaps you were tired.

    It was an effort I believe to expand on a good idea, to step in and halt the imploding divorce rate of marriages of all age/stage.
    A stitch in time does save nine (dropped). There were suggestions about utilizing short pockets of time from 11th grade on, to prepare our ALMOST daters for the realities of marital choices based on dating. Since B”Lev Echad is being launched, it was possible suggestions to enhance the efforts and good outcomes.

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