15) One of the most important pieces of advice during dating is to be yourself. Obviously, this does not mean acting foolishly or abandoning proper judgment. Aside from that, however, a person should present himself as he genuinely is.
When a person very much wants the other party to like him, he is often tempted to present himself as someone he is not. In doing so, he places enormous pressure upon himself to behave unnaturally. His mannerisms, voice inflection, body language, and overall demeanor become forced rather than natural.
This is often one of the biggest turnoffs. Even if the other person cannot consciously articulate what is bothering her, she frequently senses that something is off. She perceives the insecurity and lack of authenticity behind the presentation. At times, the behavior may even come across as awkward or bizarre because it is not a natural expression of who the person really is.
A person is far more likely to make a genuine connection when he allows the other person to get to know the real individual, rather than a carefully constructed version of himself.
In addition, presenting yourself as someone you are not is not even hishtadlus. Hishtadlus never obligates a person to stop being himself. On the contrary, trying to manufacture an image in order to secure a shidduch reflects excessive reliance upon oneself rather than reliance upon Hashem.
A person should approach dating calmly and naturally, without unnecessary pressure. He should enter each date with the awareness that if this is the person Hashem intended for him, then it will happen. If it is not, no amount of acting, pretending, or carefully managing an image will change the outcome. His responsibility is simply to present his genuine self with dignity, honesty, and proper conduct, and to leave the results in Hashem’s hands.
16) In the introduction to Divrei Dovid, the Shinova Rav writes that if a shidduch is destined to come about for a person’s benefit, Hashem will arrange that he encounters people who will speak favorably about the prospective match. Conversely, if the shidduch is not meant to be, Hashem will arrange that he encounters people who will speak unfavorably.
The Chazon Ish expressed the same idea and added an even greater chiddush. He said that if a shidduch is meant to take place, then even when someone intentionally says things to discourage the match, Hashem can cause the listener to understand those very words in a favorable way, so that the shidduch will nevertheless come about.
The Chazon Ish related the following incident. A man once came to ask him about a certain bachur as a prospective shidduch. He asked, “How is his yiras Shamayim?” The Chazon Ish replied, “There are people with better yiras Shamayim.”
He then asked, “How are his middos?” The Chazon Ish answered, “There are people with better middos.”
Finally, he asked, “How is his learning?” Again, the Chazon Ish responded, “There are people with better learning.”
Some time later, the girl’s father returned to the Chazon Ish and said, “Mazel tov! My daughter has become engaged to that young man.”
The Chazon Ish was surprised. He had intended his answers to hint that he did not consider the bachur an outstanding match. However, the father had interpreted the answers differently. He reasoned to himself, “The Chazon Ish has extraordinarily high standards. I am not looking for someone on the Chazon Ish’s level of yiras Shamayim, middos, or learning. For my daughter, this young man is certainly suitable.”
The Chazon Ish commented afterward that this is how Hashem directs shidduchim. If a match is meant to take place, even words intended to discourage it can be understood in precisely the opposite way and ultimately serve to bring the shidduch about.
17) In Orchos Rabbeinu, it is brought in the name of the Sefer Chassidim (Siman 514) and in the She’eltos of Reb Chaim of Volozhin that if a shidduch is proposed and the other side is not interested, one should not persist or attempt to pressure them. It is a sign from Shamayim that it is not their zivug. They derive this from Eliezer, the servant of Avraham, who said, “ואם לא תאבה האשה ללכת אחרי”—if the woman does not wish to come after me, then I will go elsewhere. A refusal should be accepted as a sign from Heaven, and one should proceed to seek another shidduch rather than trying to force the matter. (The author is not certain whether this teaching applies equally to a zivug sheini. However, it certainly applies to a zivug rishon.)
The Steipler adds, though, that this may not necessarily be so until the fourth date, as in the initial dates there may be something about his nose, etc., that bothers her but ultimately can stop bothering her.
On the subject of signs from Heaven, in the Sefer The Letters and Writings of Reb Yechezkel Levenstein, he writes that he heard from his rebbe in Kelm that if a particular shidduch is suggested to a person twice, this is considered a sign from Heaven that the proposal deserves serious consideration.
18) Rav Wolbe would say the main thing is the girl or boy themselves, unless there is genuine concern that certain marriage-impediment learned behaviors exist. A good family and a good familial fit are not essential. The rule is: the more refined the family character, the less their lack of hashkafos is a problem. If the father is not honest in his business, beware.
19) When finding out information, teachers are most times limited to judging her as a student, things that are not really too relevant to her as a marriage partner.
20) Rav Wolbe explains that on the first date, the objective is simply to break the ice and begin getting to know one another. The conversation should center on the other person herself. Ask about her work, her family, what her parents do, what her brothers and sisters are involved in, her interests and hobbies, and her studies, both past and present. At the same time, share comparable information about yourself so that she can begin to know who you are as well.
On the following dates, the conversations should gradually shift toward outlook and direction in life. Discuss each person’s hashkafah, especially regarding the future. What kind of home does each hope to build? What are their aspirations? What are their goals for raising children? Do they hope to raise bnei Torah, baalei batim, or some combination? Do they envision a large family? How do they view family life?
For someone intending to pursue a life of Torah learning, it is important to understand the young woman’s attitude toward a kollel lifestyle. Does she genuinely value it? What are her priorities? Is she seeking wealth and luxury, or is she content with a simpler life built around Torah values? Is her outlook one of inner contentment, or are material and superficial considerations more central to her thinking?
On the later dates, these same subjects should be explored in greater depth. Rather than continually introducing new topics, the couple should deepen the conversations they have already begun, allowing each person to gain a clearer understanding of the other’s values, aspirations, and character.
[It may be worthwhile as well to discuss her daily routine and what an ideal day looks like to her. Who influenced her life? Who are her role models? —The author.]
21) Rav wolbe would say that a strong physical attraction, or what is called sexual compatibility, is not a positive indicator that a marriage is likely to succeed at all. Likewise, the absence of a powerful attraction is not, in itself, a reason to end a shidduch. In fact, one of the most potentially confusing elements in dating is when there is strong sexual compatibility. The only valuable knowledge is personality/person compatibility, as delineated further on.
The more important question in this realm is whether there is something about the other person that may be actively pushing you away, albeit subtly. Sometimes a person cannot immediately identify what it is. He simply feels a subtle negative. In such a case, dating further will determine whether that feeling fades as the two become more comfortable with one another or whether it becomes stronger and clearer.
A useful rule of thumb is that small, persistent irritations never remain small. Imagine that someone lightly taps you on the shoulder every morning at exactly nine o’clock. The tap itself is insignificant. But after days of repetition, the irritation becomes increasingly difficult to tolerate. What began as something minor eventually feels overwhelming. The same principle applies in dating. If there is a recurring negative that one can’t put his finger on, it will become more pronounced with further dating if it is a real issue. However, if the discomfort gradually disappears as familiarity and comfort increase, then it was likely only an initial adjustment. The purpose of continued dating, when appropriate, is to determine which of these two paths the feeling is taking.
22) Rav Wolbe would say there are three signs that this is a match.
A) Most important: mutual language, communication, and understanding.
Where you feel a tacit understanding with the other party through your shared “language.” The periods of silence are not deafening, then. The conversations spring forth with ease, deftness, and flow. They are without strain. During a joke there is almost an electricity flowing between them.
[This weeds out automatically any fundamental personality incongruity.]
B) Chein. The other party is pleasing to talk with, be with, and see in person. One will anticipate meeting them again. There are pleasant vibes in talking, seeing, and being with them.
C) Shared common life goals. Type of home, Torahdik, etc. What they wish to be. Type of children—bnei Torah or baalei batim. Kollel or work, and when and if. Where they want to live.
23-When there is a mutual language and rapport and there is chein, Rav Wolbe said in the name of the Chazon Ish that attraction will come post-wedding. True attraction is only possible at that point.
In HaTzaddik Rav Shlomo (p. 113), it is related that someone once asked the Chofetz Chaim whether, before becoming engaged, one must feel a certain degree of attraction toward the prospective spouse. The Chofetz Chaim answered by citing the statement of Chazal, “חן אשה על בעלה” (Sotah 47a), explaining that the special attraction which Hashem places between husband and wife is a gift that comes after marriage. Before marriage, one should not necessarily expect to experience that feeling. This same idea is also brought in the Maharal in Sefer HaChaim.
The author personally heard from Rabbi Hamnik the following story. A young woman, shortly before her vort, suddenly developed cold feet. Her father became alarmed and was uncertain whether the engagement should proceed. Rabbi Hamnik telephoned Rav Yaakov Kamenetsky for guidance.
Rav Yaakov asked, “Are there any negatives that are troubling her, or is it simply that she does not feel any positives?” The answer was that there were no negatives; she simply did not feel any positives. Rav Yaakov responded that in such a case she should proceed with the shidduch and had nothing to fear.
The author also personally heard from the person who asked Rav Moshe Feinstein before becoming engaged what he should do, as he did not feel a particularly strong attraction toward the young woman. Rav Moshe answered by pointing to the Torah’s description of Yitzchak and Rivkah: “ויביאה יצחק האהלה… ויאהבה”—“He brought her into the tent… and he loved her.” The Torah teaches that Yitzchak loved Rivkah only after he brought her into his home; beforehand, love cannot be.
The author saw the same teaching from Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach.
24-Rav Wolbe related in the name of the Chazon Ish that by the right one, one feels comfortable with proposing.
He further related that he had met his wife in Sweden before dating. He said he felt immediately, “This is my shidduch.” Usually, though, it takes longer. However, the hashgachah in this is clear.
25-Rav Wolbe said there is no need that a girl should be as deep as her spouse.
26-If there is something about the other person that pushes you away or turns you off—even if it appears to be relatively minor—it is important that you cannot propose. Whether the thing is significant or not, the relevant question is whether it is genuinely turning you off.
For example, a person may find himself continually turning to a certain part of the other person’s appearance or to some aspect of her habits. It could be something as simple as a deep voice, a birthmark, crossed eyes, unusually thick eyebrows, or some other characteristic. If, after multiple dates, it continues to trouble you, or even if it is so bothersome initially that you genuinely do not want to continue because of it, then it is a legitimate reason to end the shidduch.
In this one needs extreme discretion not to ignore this, even if subtle. One should not override this under any circumstances from pressure. Many broken shidduchim resulted as a result of such pressure.
27-Rav Wolbe was very against double dating. He said a shidduch is not a business, but a very personal, deep, and delicate matter. A clarification of this is what was chosen by Hashem, and one cannot confuse himself with another party.
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