I watched with pride the scenes of people coming out in support of a yungerman arrested. It gave me chizzuk. It showed that, as a community, we still feel for one another. We still unite in the face of pain and anguish, we still unite to ease his pain and anguish.
And yet. And yet, as a single waiting for her bashert I can’t help but wonder when the community will stand up for me. I have done no wrong, and am just one of the many who wait near the silent phones, with dwindling hope. I may not be in prison, but I feel chained. Locked in an impossible reality of being overlooked.
I have met more than my fair share of shadchanim, and they all tell my parents I make a wonderful impression.
And yet. And yet, as soon as I leave, they seem to forget about me. My parents reach out, but the answer is always the same: your daughter is really special, but there are so many other such girls, and hardly enough boys to match her with.
But if a yungerman cannot be allowed to be forgotten, can I? Am I less innocent? Some people claim I’m being picky. But when Yomim Tovim come more often than a date, what is picky about that? I don’t mean to sound bitter, but if someone could just find a regular boy to look my way, please tell me where to be, and I’ll be there.
My friends, those still single, put on a face of pride, of coping and thriving with their singlehood. They build their careers, a couple attend weekly shiurim, but we know it is no more than a pretense. Because not hiding their pain is just too much to deal with.
A few months ago, when the rabbanim tried to institute their new initiative, I overheard some grumbling. Mothers of girls in seminary were freaking out at having to wait before starting shidduchim. Yes, I read all those people with doubts whether to trust the numbers. But, still, deep down, I hoped we could unite as a community to do whatever could be done. It was the first time that I felt someone understood the pain we have to live with, and I hoped everyone would follow along.
Sadly, I was wrong.
I hope we can do what needs to be done so all single girls can come home to a home of their own.
TLS welcomes your letters by submitting them to [email protected]
Girls waiting a year would not have helped you get married. Not sure why you don’t see that. Also nobody is doing you any wrong. Nobody is hurting you. You are single. It’s like a medical diagnosis. It’s from Hashem. Stop blaming everyone else. Every supports you we just didn’t make a rally for you.
It may have.
It would have lessens the number of girls vying for a boy…
So if a girl fresh out of seminary gets married, you’re saying it was a mistake and that that boy should have married an older girl?? Nothing is a coincidence. Hashem pairs everyone up. And for every boy that gets married, a girl gets married along with him, it’s not like only boys are getting married lol…
How did you pull that out of anything that was said.
The fact is that if the RABBOMIN told all the girls to wait, whether you like it or not there would’ve been less girls in SHIDDUCHIM. That is not what happened. But to somehow infer from that, that I am saying a girl that got married right out of seminary was a mistake is foolish.
And it adds up because at least 25% of the commenters here seem like fools
What Rabanim? A few. Not all rabanim are on board. Majority are against this idea.
What a nasty response. Particularly as we enter the Three Weeks.
My guess, Esty, is that you cannot relate to the author of the letter. Your daddy and/or grand-daddy was able to “buy” a nice Chasan for you, complete with a promise of 5-10 years of support in Kollel, despite the fact that your Chasan is a “Lecha Dodi” masmid.
What is a lecha dodi masmid?
Dear Esty and anyone in the Parsha of shidduchim AND THEIR PARENTS
I feel your pain your going through having experienced it myself in the past and feel you deserve to know Hashem’s message regarding the “Shidduch crises” that everyone is going crazy about
THE MESSAGE:
THERE IS NO SHIDDUCH CRISES
Hashem already setup your sons and everyone else’s son/daughter zivug 40 days before they were even born. Forget about the fact that now they are holding at around 20 or so years later since they were born. Hashem has their zivug waiting for them and can send it to your son/daughter immediately but is just waiting for each person involved in shidduchim to do their RUCHNIUS hishtadlus of Bitachon and Emunah(faith and trust in Hashem) together with Tefillos/Prayers.
Mrs. Seminary girl,/Mr. Learning/working boy Are YOU doing your RUCHNIUS hishtadlus? Not just your gashmius hishtadlus of dating and speaking to shadchanim etc….?
Start turning directly to Hashem for help in all your needs, especially shidduchim that they say is a bigger miracle than the splitting of the Yam suf.
Why are we not putting our faith and trust directly in our loving father, king of kings, ruler of the world Hashem? Especially when we all know the truth that Hashem has everything down to every person’s breath and penny of income already decreed since Rosh Hashanah for the entire upcoming year? Of course we need to do our Hishtadlus but the ultimate secret for success in our needs is to turn Directly to the source Hashem for help in anything. as we say in bentching from Tehillim “ודורשי ה לא יחסרו כל טוב” i.e. for one who seeks out Hashem directly lacks nothing that is good.
Every tragedy and situation has a wake up call message directly from Hashem that you’re not going to find in any sefer in the world or read in any newspaper from a Gadol Hador or speaker saying about the tragedy and neither is it from me a businessman internet writer but actually DIRECTLY FROM HASHEM.)
You need to work on your empathy. This was a callous response to a person in pain.
Oooo salt in the wound. Ouch.
Stop it
every chance there is let’s complain that nobody is looking at me we heard enough about this
You sound like a lovely caring person to be around.
You need to grow up & tune in to other people’s pain.
At the very least, remain quiet until then.
This might sound hard but the only shidduch crisis is you. This will only change when you and the rest of the girls stop dismissing good boys for superficial reasons and start giving real chances. Until then, the wait continues – and it’s on you.
You don’t know the letter writer at all.
But you proceed to lump her into a group with all single girls. Because In Your small mind you can not comprehend there is more than one type of single girl.
Girls don’t dismiss shidduchim. They barely get redt shidduchim. There are boys who their parents have file folders filled with resumes that they don’t even get back to the shadchanim about. Girls can wait for several months without being redt a single shidduch. By the time they get redt a shidduch, look into the shidduch, the boy is busy with someone else and gets engaged. Ask the leading shadchanim in Lakewood how often this happens.
It does not sound hard.
It sounds like you are an idiot.
Yanky,
If your mind comes up with such foolish ideas, why do we all have to read them?
I have no answer to such foolishness & lack of empathy other than recommend you keep your thoughts to yourself.
As the father of a wonderful girl who hasn’t been redt a shiduch in over a year, I have to say you are one kranka mentch.
Sorry for your pain.
Oh me, oh my. I also have a single daughter… What exactly do you want the town to do for you? Line up the boys outside your house and you choose one?
I don’t mean to dismiss your pain, it is very painful, and as a mother of a daughter we have our own pain too! But its the towns problem???
As an aside, when there was so much pushback to the new initiative they wanted to do, i couldn’t understand that. when dor yeshorim came about, did everyone say that if someone is bashert to have a sick kid, why are we getting involved in hashems cheshbonos?? This is the same. It would become the norm for the youngers to wait for the olders and hopefully that will cause change.
Wishing you hatzlocha in finding your bashert, may it be soon!!
I heard the following straight from the mouth of Rabbi Grama who told us we could (and SHOULD) quote him on this:
His Rebbi – Rabbi Moshe Hillel Hirsch (who is the one being quoted on the new shidduch initiative) does NOT agree with the girl’s freezer!
He gave me and the rest of my twelfth grade classmates a bracha that we should all get married straight out of seminary.
I must admit I cried reading your letter and I’m sure many others will too.
My brocho to you is that from the many people that will read your letter today that will no doubt shed a tear, say a tefila or just turn to HKBH and show Him that we really care for another kid’s pain, in that zechus (and the many zechusim that you have) may that bring your ישועה in no time!
Report back when you get engaged!
yid’s pain **
Beautiful letter. Wish I had the right thing to say it’s so hard. Wish I could do more. Hashem loves you more than any of us and iyh you should be zoche to walk to the chupah bkarov mamsh. And you should know no more suffering and waiting. From a person who has experienced challenges different than yours, we don’t understand hashems ways. Why certain things come so easy for some and not for others.Only simchos
Your response is clearly genuine and is truly heartwarming. Thank you.
Your pain is tremendous. There is so much pain and hurt in your story, rightfully so. Yet, you are not chained, as this letter is titled. No one in this world can get anyone out of their pain and stories of Galus besides Hashem. No programs, no worldwide initiatives. There is only One and only One. He never forgets. We each are on a very specific, individual journey to get to the Geula. May you see your yeshuah quickly, with many Brachos
Very true
What needs to be done in every jewish community is to hire salary shaddcaniom part or full time this way they can dedicate more time and resources towards making and advocating more shidduchim.
I am utterly shocked at the first couple of comments. If these comments are not אונאת דברים then I dont know what is? Where is your heart? Where is your feeling towards another yid?
Perhaps I myself waited a number of years before getting married so I see things very different then some of the early posters….
The pain is real. So many are suffering. We need to have more opportunities for singles to meet. Just like the Rabonim arranged years ago after world War 2. They had all kinds of singles events that brought about many marriages and families were built. The community needs to make this happen.
My heart breaks for you, this is so painful. I really hope you find your yeshua very soon. As someone who went thru infertility, I understand what it means to watch everyone around you move on while you’re still waiting and hoping and davening. It’s so hard and painful. Wishing you all the best and a yeshua b’karov!
As a mother of a daughter in her 30s, who is still single I can absolutely relate. Some commenters want to know what they think the town should do, here are some ideas.
Spend more time trying to redt shidduchim For these older singles. Many people say, I feel your pain but then don’t do anything. Rack your brain for who you might be able to put together.
The next thing is for the boys to actually look into girls before saying no. We are constantly being Asked if my daughter went out with so and so and being told that we should look into it first. We no longer do that because out of every 50 or so names, we might get one yes. Some come back with a no so fast that we know they did not bother even looking.
Girls at that age no longer fit specifically into any niche and the people there are willing to date are much more diverse than it was when they were younger. But they are dismissed out of hand by the boys because they don’t even try looking into who these girls are today.
I believe this is a gezeira from H-Shem For today’s times, but for those of us coming through it, it is extremely painful. H-Shem should send all of us the yeshuos We need!
The system is broken. Open your prospects to the Chissidishe community and don’t look back.
They say their system is even more broken, producing huge number of divorces. This despite the huge stigma involved. The grass is always greener on the other side.
Not true.
I got married older and went through the pain you are going through, it’s very very hard.
I received a piece of advice that changed my life, I was an older single and full of pain, feeling abandoned and forlorn. A Rav sat me down and explained to me that my job then was to change who I am, become better, become unstoppable. I learned how to really enjoy someone else and enjoy doing for others, not just chessed bec. thats what we do. How to be happy for real inside and really connect to Hashem.
I can honestly say, I would have never met my husband if I hadn’t gone through this new rebirth. This might sound weird and different, I have tried this with 11 older singles and they all changed and grown immeasurably, 9 are married…
Pass this on… it works
Finally some sechel. Of course it works! Klal yisroel has various marriage problems today (between shidduchim problems to Sholom bayis and divorce etc) because our marriage to hashem is lacking. What you described is being married to hashem. I’d like to meet your rov. Maybe you can make his name available with permission of course
I will ask…
Everyone should find their own Rav or mentor or just find the right shiur online… Do something to grow…
How dare these commenters trivialize and minimalize the pain of a precious bas yisrael? Agree with her or not- her emotions and pain are legitimately felt. And can people PLEASE stop baking blanket statements about girls being too picky? My daughter is almost 23 and has not yet been redt a shidduch. Halevei we had the opportunity to be picky. She is a wonderful girl, one of many who I know of personally who have either not yet dated or went out with 2 guys max. Until you walk a mile in their shoes, you can not imagine the pain, loneliness and abandonment these girls are feeling- even if you are the mother of a single. You may feel that her letter was hyperbolic, but the only proper response here is “I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I will daven for a yeshua.” It should not be that difficult.
I honestly can’t believe the comments criticizing the letter writer!!!!
To the letter writer. I am crying for you!!!
May HASHEM heal you very quickly!!!
I asked a number of the rabbanim who had signed onto the initiative that you mention and they agreed that the real solution is to eliminate the freezer. They actually suggested on their own a very similar response to last weeks fiasco where there were demonstrations in front of the police station, they suggested that the girls themselves engage in a dialogue with the rosh yeshivas whose policies are causing so many girls to suffer so horribly and perhaps that would make an impact. Think about it, the very same parents who are worrying about marrying off their daughters are (perhaps unaware) feeding the problem by withholding their sons from the shidduch market for nearly half a year extra
Girls It is time to decompress. Yes I know yoiu all have been hearing about the need to get olam haba is only if you marry a learning boy and stay in learning for at least five years but lets be real maybe a boy who is a short term learner or a boy who is working can also be a good husband. Maybe you will be happy marrying a boy who isnt what you have been expecting. This is reality, if a girl has not gone out and is 21+ then open up to change. Get married to a responsible boy, a mentch someone who will be kovea itim. Shhh… this is how it was for years , hundreds of years. they (our bubbies) all went to olam haba living like that with a working boy. Do what it takes to get married. My heart aches for the current situationon with hundreds of great girls who are single.
Why do you think single girls who have been in shidduchim for a while aren’t open to working boys? There’s plenty of us who are and are still having a hard time finding the right one.
Because both boys and girls are brainwashed that anything but the system is Kefira. There are many boys that belong working, as they are barely learning at 20. Let alone 22-23.
To the commenter who started with the snide remark- I feel bad for you. To the people saying we need more shadchanim etc. I also feel bad for you. Why did you not stop for a second and think why is there more girls and maybe these rabbonim are right to even the numbers out even if your brain doesn’t understand basic math. Many people in charge will have to give a din vicheshbon on why they didn’t help thousands of people when they easily could have by changing certain policies. And I don’t envy them at this point
As an older single girl myself, I can relate to your pain. However, throughout the years I realized that no one owes me anything. I can do my hishtadlus and I can daven and do chessed so Hashem will do chessed for me in return at the right time. Being bitter only aggravates the situation. Try to go out of your comfort zone and perhaps do Kiruv by learning with a Torah Mate. Meet Shadchanim from other cities. Network with your friends, family and former teachers from high school and seminary. Harbei Shluchim Lamakom. Daven for others as well. Hashem hears your Tefilos. One day hopefully soon you’ll see it pay off in ways you least expected.
I might be naive but wanna ask anyway as I I’m not litvish… if a girl is ready to take a working boy does she also have a hard time? Or is it that all girls only want learning boys which there aren’t as many as girls want them
That is a legitimate question. I know it is easy for people to say to ‘broaden your options’ and ‘working boys also make amazing husbands’. All this is true. And my daughter is more than willing to marry such a boy! They just haven’t been redt yet. People give advice without knowing the facts of the situation.
Working guys are hard to find. I was one such guy and struggled for years to find my Bashert. Yes, both she and I had to go through different things in life before Hashem had someone rdt the Shidduch. But I wasn’t redt many quality Shidduchim as a working Ben Torah.
There aren’t large numbers of single working bnei Torah out there. Meaning, a boy with a filtered smartphone who’s kovea itim every day & a mature person. Yes, it does exist, but a boy all on his own & completely out of yeshiva while remaining a true ben Torah isn’t the norm.
ouch, this letter hurts. i think there needs to be something to do for the single girls while they wait and go through this painful period, maybe a community center our system is broken and needs to be fixed asap
Dear Letter Writer ,
Food for thought:
I thought of an idea that can help the situation.
I thought of a certain Mitzva and if a Yid tries to perfect this Mitzva, maybe he or she can daven to Hashem and ask Hashem for help in the merit of perfecting this Mitzva.
I noticed some nasty comments.
Please
דן לזכות
Those people who shot out nasty comments.
1 Zechus I can think of for a man is maybe he had a nice glass of tequila at a Simcha.
For a lady, maybe she is under a lot of pressure maybe she is upset about a few things, also some times a man or a lady maybe they were depressed during a certain hour and that’s when they posted their nasty comment.
Now they regret it, but they can’t delete their comment.
In general there are many scenarios that can cause a person to lose it and shoot out a horrible comment.
Try your best to forgive them and ask Hashem for help in the
זכות
Of this Mitzva
לדון את חבירו לכף זכות
A beautiful way to judge another person is to say that I truly have no clue who this person is I don’t know his or her life history, don’t know if he has friends, I wasn’t in his house while he was growing up , I don’t know if he was successful in school, we can go on and on.
Good Shabbos
Wrong. There are many. You just don’t know them. There many boys who are in top yeshivas and can’t live with a dorm roommate let alone a wife. However it’s disgusting to tell a girl who gets very little choices what she’s doing wrong. I mean. Two matches a year at best for me when I was single. I ended up marrying a learner earner. Bh happily married@