I just wanted to share something with everyone that made me realize many of us really are failing our kids and hopefully we can fix that before it is too late.
I went on an outing with my kids this past Sunday.
Now, I have to say, I’m often guilty, spending time on my phone instead of with my kids. But for the most part I kept trying to focus on each kid as they vied for my attention.
Which is why what kept glaring me in the face must have hurt me to see.
One father there with his kids spent the whole trip walking back and forth with his nose in his phone. I’m sure he was busy with work or something important. But the more I saw him ignoring the outing with his children the more I held myself back from pulling out my own phone each time I had the urge.
There was a mother sitting on the side as her kids ran around the place while she too was focused on her phone. As my kids kept calling “Ma look” my heart panged as I saw her ignore her own.
But it hurt mostly, because many times that parent is me. And each time I think I just need one more minute to finished the important message, the urgent thing that needs to get done, help the person, respond to the person that needs info, you get the gist.
And while I’d like to believe I’m not as extreme as what I encountered at what should have been a beautiful bonding family experience, I have to say, that especially at home, I really must look like that to my children.
How horrific.
I felt so judgmental while I was fighting my own phone checking urges and sadly I’m quite the guilty one too, along with way too many of us.
Will my kids remember me with my nose in a handheld box or will they remember smiling at them and catching their milestones??
It’s so hard. But it goes by so fast and you can’t redo it.
I’m sure I’ll be guilty again. But taking the time to pen this letter will hopefully help me be more aware because I feel disappointed with what I saw and realized that I too must look like.
I think I (we?) need to set times where the phone goes out of sight and out of mind even when we feel like we just gotta see if a whatsapp came in or want to take care of what popped in our mind before we forget it. I can write on a to do list what it is that I thought of and later at night go through it and take care of it.
I may not be there yet – but hope I and we can all start a new trend of being present with our kids while they’re still kids!
An Embarrassed Judgmental Mom
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Side note, when I have work calls scheduled that I have to be on and my kids want to go out, I let them know I will be on the phone working and let them decide, stay home or Mommy will take them out but will be working. Grateful for the opportunity to work from home.
An amazing and important letter.
I am as guilty as you and the others.
Thanks for pointing it out, I will IYH try to change.
It was very nice the way you wrote the letter, not bashing anyone, just bring out your point.
I wish everyone a כתיבה וחתימה טובה וכל טוב !!
I’m on my phone right now but getting off just after this comment
I usually keep my phone on silent when I’m in Shul learning and davening and take it off silent upon leaving Shul. I recently started leaving it on silent when I go home. My children also deserve for their father’s phone to be on silent. I can take care of all the “super important” later.
two points
1. yes spending quality time with children is very important, but not every outing is that “quality time”
example: you have “supper and bed time” for quality time, and it so happens that you are on duty for whatever reason and therefore you bring your children to the park. this is supervised play time for them, not “spend time with parent” time.
Therefore, one must communicate this with their children ” Tatty has to work now, so i will take you to the park, but i will be busy” “of course you will have your alone time tonight”.
2. This is only true if the parent has something constructive to do. But if your just shooting the breeze and cznt spend extra time with with your kids… theyll know that.
My wife and I have a flip phone but unlike my wife, I have a great urge to get a “smart” phone…a tremendous urge.
But there is only one thing stopping me….
I thought to myself if for example a family of 6-10 children see a father and mother with a smartphone, there is no question the overwhelming majority of them will be getting such phones and their children (the grandchildren) the same and so on looking to the parents as an example….
Does anyone doubt for a moment that at least one child or grandchild will חס ושלום have his learning destroyed with all the distractions let alone his life destroyed if terrible things pop up?
So basically one offspring in two generations is sure to get destroyed in one way or another all because of my desire for such a phone! ה’ ירחם
I love my children and my grandchildren more than anything in the world and I await my little corner in Gan Eden with my boring little flip phone knowing I did what I could do to set an example for all my children and grandchildren. It just aint worth it…..
PS And yes, I do realize I am online (with a filter) and am working on that as well. It aint worth it either!
Wow. I never thought of it that way. Food for thought.
Thank you for a very good letter
What a beautiful letter. Kol Hakovod to the writer for bringing this up
I too was extremely guilty and a couple of months ago felt I needed to take action however not only did I not have the strength I lacked direction for something lasting. Then a week before the summer I came across the flipfor30 challenge which has been the biggest change (for the better of course) in my life the past couple of years. I took upon myslef to join this amazing challenge where I leave my smartphone in the office and when I am home I have a flip phone for talk and text only. It’s now nearing 90 days and I have still kept to this arrangement. If there is something I know I will need it for I will bring it home but the awareness of not being owned by it is there.
They have a few different ideas and levels to help each person’s unique situation. I highly encourage anyone who wants to be more present in their presence, to look into it. Their website is flipfor30.com
I really should take this opportunity to publicly thank Mr & Mrs Barry Zolty (who I do not know firsthand) for starting this challenge and inadevrtantly changing not only my life but my wife and kids as well.
The government should have never commissioned the Internet to be available for the public. It has opened up doors for crime, created social media, and is a great tool for sexual predators and scammers. It has served no purpose for mankind. Basic common courtesy is a thing of the past. Now there are robots that are going to take our jobs away and we are all just watching it happen. Stop funding these companies. ( Amazon, Microsoft, Google, Elon Musk) It’s scary how technology is actually backfiring on us. Instead of making our lives easier. We have become spoiled and need to start using our local grocery stores, not instacart. We were able to survive before the Internet and cellphones were here. And I believe that we were happier then. We also used to see family more often. I remember when it was a sin if nobody showed up at least once a week for a large dinner. Now we just shoot each other text messages. Nobody communicates anymore. It looks as though this was meant to be though. I am starting to see prophecies become reality. Just think of how lost our future generations are going to be. Please people, stop funding these companies, they are greedy and evil. I pray every night for the world to be a better place. But I am losing faith. Social media and major news networks are not helping either. Please people, put the phone down. Go see family, spend time with your kids. Time is moving fast and I hope we all get back in touch with reality before it’s too late.
Might I suggest you’d be happier living in the Lancaster PA (Amish country) area?
They offer everything you are looking for.
On a serious note, “Robots will take our jobs” is the case to not progressing.
Wasn’t the Telegraph industry destroyed by progress? Should it not have been allowed?
Cell phones have destroyed the pager industry. Should cell phones have been banned because of all the pager employees that would lose their jobs?
What about the fast food places that replaced humans with online & Kiosk ordering? Should their jobs be eternally protected?
What about the horse industry decimated by the automobile?
There’s good & bad in everything & it’s smart to choose wisely. BUT, one reason that is not valid to not progress is to protect the jobs of current employees.
The difference is, that nobody is addicted to the telegram or pagers or horses…..
The phone has decimated humanity in every way. Just look at what’s going on in America. Half the country wants to elect a bumbling fool who can’t even put a sentence together with nothing to show but destruction…….why? Because they are so distracted with social media being a big part. They are simply living in an alternate reality…..on their phone.
As it affects us, there is no question that the phone changes the brain training it to seek instant gratification with every click and swipe etc….how in heavens will a bochur who grows up with this have the patience to go through a long tosfos…..NEVER! Atleast the “older generation” had a chance for their brain to develop but any younger person who started earlier is DOOMED!
We have to have a mass “sreifas haphones” with live music, dinner, and dancing to be mechazik each other to once and for all throw out this מזיק which is destroying us all.
May Hashem protect us all…..
I suppose there will always be Yidden who are troglodytes, refusing to see that advancing technology is a part of the בְּרִיאָה. As such, it has a dualistic nature: good vs. bad, and it’s up to human beings to be discerning enough — disciplined enough — to choose the good.
Imagine in 1880, when AT&T was formed: “Oy vey…the telephone is evil! So much easier to spread lashon hara! It must be banned!”
Or 1888, when the first production automobiles were introduced: “Oy vey…who needs to be in such a hurry? Imagine all the injuries and deaths from traffic accidents! They’re sakanas nefashos and should be banned! Horses and buggies are good enough.”
Oh boy…and let’s not get started on typewriters (people will forget how to write like chazal did), electric appliances (short circuit fires can burn the house down), airplanes (crashing), elevators (falling; besides, using the stairs is healthy exercise). Sheesh, there’s no end to it. At 75 years of age and generally housebound, my PC and smartphone’s access to the internet are a life saver (for me and millions of others): all of my banking, 90% of my shopping, comparison pricing at the supermarkets, access to medical records, messaging to my children…etc. etc. are all done online. Nowadays, more often with my smartphone than my desktop PC.
Bottom line: thank you Hashem for granting human beings the intelligence and talent to advance technology for the betterment of life in Your world.
Solid
See above comment from me
Ever since these phones came out everyone is becoming antisocial and parents should be always with their kids no matter what
When we were younger and our parents didn’t have fun WE WENT TO THE PARK WITH OUR HS SISTER…our parents worked and couldn’t take off to come with us..
THANK YOU HASHEM that we can work and be at the park with our children.
Perhaps when the kids grow up they will invent a way that parents can be at the park and working and focused on the kids…one day…
Beautiful letter. Nothing else to say it’s 1000 percent true there’s no way anyone can even try to argue. Don’t be stupit yes obviously if the parent was ” working” and the kids knew she could take them but also work and it was spoken to before etc etc than it was a different specific situation. It’s not what the writer is bringing out. We ALL KNOW WHAT she’s bringing out all too well. Let us iyh have the kochos to take our faces out of our phones!! And give our kids our REAL BEING THERE not just our physical bodies. We see it all over..doctors offices, dentist offices, shoe stores etc etc etc. You finally have little ” waiting” quiet time with a child PUT YOUR PHONES away.
If you would have a simple kosher phone without whatsapp it would be easier for you to resist the urge and insted be present with your kids. Just a suggestion for another reason not to have an iphone or smart phone.
i switched to a fig phone by the flip for 30 challenge. i got my life back. my kids got their mother back. HIGHLY RECOMMEND
Your kids won’t remember anything.
They most likely will associate the outing with a random smell in the building.
Phone use is bad though. Stop wasting your time.
Enjoy the time with your kids.
You’ll die one day.
A little dan lkaf zechus, the mother could have been at an appointment with her kids this morning and now has work to make up, she could be dealing with medical/insurance issues, arranging babysitting for a simcha, sending out a grocery order, or dealing with the myriad of life needs that overextended working mothers don’t have time for, or she’s simply so exhausted and stressed from her workday that she just doesn’t have the capacity to be fully there for her kids at the moment. We are all good mothers some of the time but no one can be a good mother all of the time.
I agree. I have a filtered tablet. I have one daughter and I try very hard not to use it when she’s around. I went to nkeandesh 3 years ago and gave up my galaxy z flip. And got a fig. I’m telling all my friends to get one also. I convinced my father to get one also. He’s a Rebbi. He had the Qin not everyone knows th its considered a smart phone. TAG DOES NOT AROVE IT. (THECAT PHONE IS ALSO CONSIDERED A SMARTPHONE.) I hope that we all learn something from this. I want to wish everyone a gut gebenched yar. May we be zoche to greet Masheich very quickly.