Letter: A Worn Out Shadchan

Dear Editor,

I am writing to share my frustration as a Matchmaker/Shaddchan who has spent thousands of hours helping singles with matchmaking/shidduchim. I have made hundreds of successful matches and set up hundreds of couples this year alone on dates. Yet, when the Yomtov of Purim came and went, my wife couldn’t hold herself back from asking me why I hardly received Mishloach Monos from all the prior Shidduchim couples or their parents that I made their shidduch. I only received Mishloach Monos from the people who are still waiting to get my attention that I haven’t set up yet.

As someone who has dedicated so much of my time,life and energy to matchmaking, I can’t help but wonder, is there really a shidduch crisis? Is it not for no reason that there aren’t more shaddchnim? Parents of singles, I would love to know what’s going on in your heads. Happy married couples, what is going through your heads? How is this okay?

I don’t need the Mishloach Monos, but I can’t handle the lack of appreciation and people being so unappreciative. It takes a lot of effort and hard work to make a shidduch, and it’s disheartening to see that effort go unrecognized.

I hope that this letter will serve as a reminder to everyone that we should appreciate the efforts of those who dedicate themselves to helping others find their bashert. Matchmakers and shaddchnim play a crucial role in the Jewish community, and it’s time that their hard work is acknowledged and appreciated.


A Hard working and emotionally drained shaddchan.

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    • Did you send shalach manos to your midwives from when you were born?
      Did you send to your childhood pediatrician?
      What about all your Rabbeim from elementary?
      Did these people not have a profound impact on your development into the wonderful Shadchan you currently are?

      Of course these people are grateful and thankful!
      See, its not that people only send shaloch manos to those they need favors from, its that people try to send to those they have an ACTIVE relationship with at this time.

  1. I still call to thank the woman who made our shidduch 33 years ago. I never sent her mishloach manos. All she did is hand me a phone number. I am a volunteer shadchan now because of what she did. My singles are very grateful for anything I do, so let’s not condemn an entire group.

  2. This letter justifies anyone who chooses to gift or sell really expensive shalach manos. If giving is to show appreciation then someone who gives something big is trying to express the large amount of appreciation. On this topic tho, you got paid when they got married. You do this for a living. Don’t expect more than what you were paid. If you don’t accept money at all then it’s a different story and you should be shown that appreciation.

  3. For the first few years of my marriage, I would give SM to our shadchan. However, after our family grew k”h we had other obligations (teachers, morahs, rabbeim, menahelim, principals, kids’ friends, etc.) to give to. So we’re unable to get to our shadchan’s house anymore. You should consider it a bracha that your couples are moving on 🙂

    (Yes, we should still be showing our gratitude other ways. Though to be fair, last time I went over to our shadchan he had a very vague recollection of who I was – in his defense, it has been more than a decade 🙂 )

  4. This is a very fascinating letter. It would never have occurred to me to send a shadchan mishloach manos unless I have a “shaychus” to her/him. When we did a shidduch, we paid the shachan a nice sum! I guess we looked at it like a business deal. When the contractor does his job, we pay him. She did our shidduch, we paid her. But we have no connection otherwise. It is something she would have expected?? Quite an interesting letter.

  5. Remember what they said by Mike tress levaya kol haosek betzarchei tzibur beemuna hakudush boruch yeshalaym sechrum because no one else will

  6. I think we need a letter for people in shidduchem to make..

    Shadchanim these days start out lishma! However once they get alittle burned they will only red rich shidduchem because of money! But if the poor people come to them asking for a shidduch they will say “i dont have time for you” (true story) shadchanim have too understand that there not god! No one has to bow down to you no one has to get you meahloach monos, certainly not people who have already paid you!

    Shadchanim you are not god! Each make a total of 30 shidduchem a year (if your lucky) the percentage is so low i wouldnt care to get there attention! All you have too believe is that hashem makes the shidduch!!

    • In your nightmare maybe they average 30 shidduchim. The big shadchanim read more than that most days. If parents don’t look into shidduchim it’s their own fault. Lewenstein, Katz and Levy for example don’t get more than a couple hours sleep every night. As they spend all day and night on the phone. Imagine being married or a child of such a person. You never see them.

  7. I’m a thirty-nine year old single who relocated himself to the Lakewood community nearly one year ago solely for dating opportunities. I have tried, mostly in vain, to garner match suggestions from shadchans in the greater Lakewood area.

    You wrote, “I only received Mishloach Monos from the people who are still waiting to get my attention that I haven’t set up yet.”

    I’m curious: how may I get the attention of area shadchans? I call; I text; I email. Must I send gifts, too? If so, what do you recommend?

    I’m currently questioning whether my decision to relocate myself to Lakewood for dating opportunities was wise. I suspect, in retrospect, that it wasn’t. Before relocating myself again, I ask to please be informed how to get the attention of Lakewood shadchans. For the purposes of responding, please assume that I, although Jewish Orthodox, am mostly unfamiliar with the culture of Lakewood, specifically and pertinently when it comes to interacting with Lakewood shadchans.

    Thank you,

    • I’m sorry t hear of your difficult situation. I do Question if there are that many single guys in Lakewood looking for a 39 year old. It may not have been a smart move. What do I know? May HKB”H grant success and guide you to the right shliach and may Klal Yisroel share in your simcha. Amen

    • Many Lakewood Shadchanim deal in the BMG, relatively younger, Lakewood-culture crowd. Make sure you are not dealing with them, since they tend to be overwhelmed, and can’t possibly focus on something outside their specialty. I would guess that there are people who focus on the broader community. Also, it is important to network. Many shidduchim come from regular people who make suggestions.

  8. I agree is this a joke?? I’m all for hakaros hatov but why do YOU feel that you need the continuous pouring of gratitude?
    you did a great job and you got these people married. you got paid for your hard work and now you should sit back and feel great about helping so many people find their significant other.
    Why does this make you question the shuddach crisis?? a bit selfish sounding and a bit needy in my opinion. tell your husband to appreciate you more and TELL YOU AS SUCH MORE OFTEN!!

  9. I for one would like to express my appreciation to this shadchan for working so hard for so long for so many matches. YOU are ensuring that people find each other to continue the Jewish Nation! It’s okay to be tired and drained, and rest assured that your chelek in oilam ha ba is something most of us cannot even imagine! Yashar Koiach!!!

  10. Thank you for your work in shidduchim.
    HKBH should pay you tenfold.

    Please understand that mishloach manos is not only costly but also overwhelming for the yiddishe mama. There are so many people that could and should be given but there needs to be a cutoff or there is no end to it.

    I didn’t even give many relatives and people I have so much Hakaras Hatov to because it just isn’t feasible.

    That said, I try to send messages of appreciation to people I appreciate.

    I expect Mishloach Manos from nobody (and Ive helped many many ppl BH that I was able to help).
    I don’t even expect appreciation but when it comes it does warm my heart.

    Mishloach manos is so over the top at this point and it’s not even the mitzvah- at this point its just give and give e and give above what’s expected from the mitzvah. So while I hear your frustration, I beg you to forgive and fargin as it’s not fair to expect this from people.

    That said, I truly hope that both the people whose shidduchim you made, and those that you’ve tried to make, reach out to you every so often to thank you and tell you how much it means to them.

    • Very nice comment-
      Hashem should Bentsch your entire family and the families of the other Chevra who made nice comments, Hashem should Bentsch all of you with the best health in the world.

    • How do you know the shadchan was paid. You should continue to be thankful to your shadchan. The doctor that saved your loved one. the doctor that delivered your children. They are all shluchim of Hashem Does a person thank their wife for cooking and cleaning etc on a regular basis? Hakaras Hatov needs to continue. I actually call my shadchan a grandparent to my children. It’s a part of hakaras hatov.

  11. I have tryed to get thur shadchans all the time and they don’t get back to you they just say it’s not for you
    If u ask why they don’t give answer why it’s just not for you
    If u day that it’s not for u they make you crazy for an answer……..

  12. I don’t think your wife did a correct thing, and sounds to me that what happened here is emotional contagion. She feels that you are underappreciated, and instead of turning you towards ain tova, now you feel underappreciated, too. If this is not a joke, remind your wife that a woman can be a queen Esther, or Zeresh to her husband. I would not want to feed my husband’s “bad feelings”. Women have a power to spread shalom, or to cause machlokes through influencing their husbands. I feel bad that she had such sour feelings, and you also caught it, and both of you are miserable on Purim ……you do sound burnt and resentful, so maybe stop investing your time if you don’t feel it pays off. Or tell your wife not to share with you how she feels, because it can cause you to see the world through a negative lense.

    • Your words are very sharp.
      There is a good chance, that if you use friendlier terminology, maybe the people involved will be happy to change a little bit to the better and also friendly terminology leads to healthy thinking and eventually they may be excited to help Hashem’s beautiful children.
      We need to be super kind and very understanding.

      • Are you the author? I didn’t anyhow mean that a wife is “bad”, or that anyone needs to change anything besides their perspective. No spouse in the story supported the other one, why feed each other’s negative feelings and make them bigger, you can try to divert resentment in the other way or to smooth it down! I would think that shadchanus is in itself, per definition, the ultimate way to show hakaras ha tov for making shiduch, and expecting mishloach is extra of extra of extra. It’s not included in the package, so expectation is a bit inappropriate. How would you feel to only receive mishloach and no money for shiduch. I’m sure most people don’t consider mishloach manot to shadchan a part of the package of appreciation specifically to the shadchan.

        • The nature of relationship with the shadchan might not be seen as a continuous one, as much as it can hurt the author (probably). Yes,some forget the shadchan and move on, a shadchan is a temporary mediator, same way a doctor helps to deliver the baby, and then you go home to your family and the doctor stays in the hospital for others. If someone wants to keep relationship with “their couples”, and feel appreciated for years after making shiduch, they have to understand that it’s not realistic, not all people are like that. Some will come, and some will not, and will not be sending shadchan their family pictures, and pictures of their kids. And do you know how many families of singles are angry at shadchanim for “forgetting about their kid?” . If someone can make a shiduch for my friends older singles here, I will personally make sure to bring the shadchan mishloach manos on purim.

  13. I’m a Shadchan and I’m very happy that people I made Shiduchim don’t send me Moshloach Manos. Don’t need the additional stuff.

  14. I don’t believe one word in this letter.”I have made hundreds of successful matches”.Yeah,and I’m Achashveirosh.(By the way,I think the letter writer wrote this letter as some purim shtik).

  15. Im so glad this was posted. I have been doing shidduchim for almost 20 years. The only reason why i keep stopping is because the lack of hakoros hatov that people have. I have been begged to help ppl find their shidduch. I would put in an endless amount of hours into my shidduchim. It takes away hours from spending time with my kids, husband, and many sleepless nights. For all those people who realize that you can put in a few hundred hours a year and you don’t get anything unless you actually make a shidduch. For those who say well you get paid after you make a shidduch do you realize that people try to get away with paying 1000 dollars for 100s of hours that you put in. (this amount came from plenty of rich people)
    How can you compare that to a realtor who makes a nice buck when a house is sold. We network to get ideas then we have to get both sides to say yes and for the shidduch to actually progress we put hours and hours of coaching. Im not expecting anything from my shidduchim from years ago but i had a shidduch that got married last year right before purim and a shidduch that just got engaged this year right before purim.
    It was surprising that a shaloch monos wasnt sent. hakoros hatov can make a huge difference. We do it for a chesed but we get burnt out very easily. If your not sure what goes into it?
    You should try it yourself!!!!! let me know how it goes

    • I got married two weeks after Purim. I would not expect a couple who is going through engagement or chasuna to send mishloach manos to anyone. They are so so busy and overwhelmed, and their parents are so busy with their simcha. They aren’t even mature adults yet (the couple), and,besides, everyone knows that decent dmei shadhcanus is what to be given to you. People think shadchan is yoitze by this amount,by decent gift or money.

  16. Making shiduchim is definitely very draining and often thankless. That being said I’m wondering about the maturity of a shadchan that would vent their perceived lack of hakaras hatov by submitting a letter to the Lakewood Scoop. I am vey thankful to lots of people who helped me. My boys mohelim, my real estate agent, bus drivers, crossing guards, tutors, therapists and on and on. I cant possibly thank each one forever. If I pay them for their service I don’t necessarily continue to show hakaras hatov even though I am truly grateful. I hope you can find satisfaction in the knowledge you are helping others. Please know that your efforts are appreciated even if people don’t send you shalach manos. Hatzlacha!

  17. You say you don’t want mishloach manos but appreciation? Sure doesn’t sound like it! And although you did get paid for your services in actuality theres never enough thanx from someone that you make a shidduch for. Maybe they should bring you something once a month? Every engagement anniversary and wedding anniversary???? In any event, I feel you need to work on your Bitachon more so that you realize that you haven’t made even one shidduch!!!!! Hashem made them all!! You may have been zoche to carry them out but without Hashem you can’t even get out of bed in the morning. That goes the same for anything we accomplish! In business with the chiNuchi of our children, literally everything we do! Don’t feel that you made those shidduchim and you and your wife won’t feel this way!!! And I’m just curious if you sent your shadchan a mishloach manos this year? Did you?

    • The idea is to say thank you. It’s not about the shalach manos per se. It’s about recognizing what someone did for you. People go to their Rebbe on purim and bring their children to give the rebbe nachas. The same idea applies to your shadchan. Once a year, even not purim, drive over or make an appointment to allow that person to see the fruits of their time.

  18. I think you are not considering that everything comes from Hashem — NOT YOU. The couples may have given tzedaka or done other Mitzvos to show their appreciation. I hardly think that not giving Mishloach Manos should leave you feeling unappreciated. In fact, you should be so joyful and happy at the reward you will have in the world to come. They say you lose what you don’t appreciate. I hope you will do thank Hashem every day for the opportunity to do what you do for people. For you to complain is like telling Hashem it’s not all good…..

  19. Imagine your daughter hadn’t brought it to your attention, you wouldn’t have even thought of it & gone through this aggravation. This was basically loshon Horah on her part. Try to stay positive & don’t rely on others for your happiness. Shadchonus is a great parnassah for the right person.

  20. I read most of the comments, and I didn’t see anyone bring up this reason.

    Maybe just maybe, it’s because there are so many SHALOM BAYES problems out there, and people feel that they don’t owe you anything?? And perhaps they feel that you owe them a BIG MISHLOACH MANOS!!

    I don’t mean the letter writer in particular.

    Please call all the people that deal with SHALOM BAYES problems, and then you will know what I am talking about.

    May HASHEM help all those couples that are having a hard time!!

    I know what I am talking about.

  21. Maybe they also feel they we’re young and had tons of names, but perhaps the older singles are the ones that really need a shadchan to talk too. I’m still looking for one.

  22. Did you give the plumber who fixed your toilet? He worked very hard also and put in so much effort?? You got paid now move on. You do a service your not their friend

  23. I hear both sides of the aisle, but here is a very impactful story I recently heard first hand.

    I was at a Levaya, and the person who drove me back home told me that he was a co-Shadchan for the Niftar and his wife SHLY”T when they got married 34 years ago.

    The mother of the Chosson sent him Shadchanus money on her son’s wedding anniversary, and did so for a few years until he respectfully told her he didn’t need it any longer. But it gets better. He recently met his co-Shadchan who told him he was still receiving Shadchanus every year adjusted to the going price after more than 30 years!!!!

    Of course this is not for everyone’s Madreiga, but it gives us what to aspire to. This was someone in our generation… As the Gemara says: Hillel Mechayev Es Haaniyim etc.

  24. i think purim is more of a friendship yom tov than apreciation yt. also you your words a re a bit to strong. if you are being honest about the volume you are dealing with and you are doing it for the right reason than you shlouldnt be kvetching so much.

    • As a bucher in yeshiva for the last 3 years i can attest that You dont have to feel bad or cover up that you wrote such a letter…. i can say everyone knows you over work yourself in BMG and all other yeshivos and you run around day and night meeting with me and all my friends and work tirelessly to help us find our bashert and me and my roommate DID Bring you Mishloach Monos but im surprised to hear that we were one of the very few. I think whoever has hakoras hatov to you should know Pesach is around the corner and its not too late for people to step up to the ate and show hakorras hatov the same way they give their kids Rabbeim and bus driver’s, their waiter at a restaurant, cleaning lady and all other people that they are asking for help all the time etc…. i hope more people can get the energy to do what you do and help more desperate singles like me my friends and siblings find their bashert! You should be gebentched and hashem should repay you many times over!

  25. After reading all the comments, how many ppl actually know their shadchan well enough for them to bring them משלוח מנות? Most cases the shadchan never met (or spoke to) either the boy or the girl or sometimes even both before the vort, & most likely it’s the last time they will see the shadchan (unless he finds some time to come to their wedding for few min to show his face, not like they’d spend the night at the wedding as if it were a close relative/friends wedding) with that being said why should they bring you anything?? Yes for the most part it was a job & you got paid for the service which is very much appreciated but life moves on just like any other service provider. [If it were a single that the shadchan actually knew & it was a long/difficult parsha & the person feels the shadchan was a big help for them specifically then maybe I can hear why they should send gifts].

    A 2nd point, not sending you gifts doesn’t mean you’re not appreciated ppl are just not always sending gifts forever, I’m sure if anyone you’ve made their shidduch bumps into you somewhere they’ll say hi…. (that’s what I do)


    Hashem already setup your sons and everyone else’s son/daughter zivug 40 days before they were even born. Forget about the fact that now they are holding at around 20 or so years later since they were born. Hashem has their zivug waiting for them and can send it to your son/daughter immediately but is just waiting for each person involved in shidduchim to do their RUCHNIUS hishtadlus of Bitachon and Emunah(faith and trust in Hashem) together with Tefillos/Prayers.
    Are YOU doing your RUCHNIUS hishtadlus? Not just your gashmius hishtadlus of dating and speaking to shadchanim etc….?

    Start turning directly to Hashem for help in all your needs, especially shidduchim that they say is a bigger miracle than the splitting of the Yam suf.

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