Dear Center for Anxiety, I recently came back from Seminary and am now taking online college courses while working at a local school and living at home. My midterms are around the corner, and I just want to do everything perfect. I am the oldest of eight and want to be the best role model for my siblings. There has always been pressure on me to set an example, and with this responsibility, I could never make a mistake. Because of my perfectionism, I was the top student in high school, and everyone expects so much of me. My parents tell me how people in my community think I am “going places,” even people I do not know! I am worried that I will be a disappointment and not meet the expectations of my family and community. I am always stressed about being the best student that I triple check everything. Sometimes I isolate myself and lose sleep to make sure everything is exact. I have strict rules that keep me focused but lately they’ve also been getting in the way. I have a reputation of being a perfectionist. Is this a good thing? In my mind, I think I should always be doing better. I am not sure what all of this means and am wondering if you can offer suggestions.
Thank you,
Post-Seminary Perfectionist
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Dear Post-Seminary Perfectionist,
Thank you for your brave submission. Please know that you are not alone when it comes to wanting to be the “best” daughter, student, friend, etc. We live in a competitive world, and being the smartest or prettiest or making the most money are commonly idealized expectations. Let this be your first step in challenging those beliefs! Asking for help is a great way to own that you do not have all the answers, AND that is okay.
You’ve undoubtedly had experiences in your life that have shaped and encouraged the pursuit of what has been interpreted to mean “perfect” (i.e. no mistakes, best role model, top student, etc.). While these goals are not necessarily bad, the pressure you place on yourself to achieve these can become detrimental.
There are two factors that make perfectionism problematic: (1) When one has extremely high and unrealistic standards, and (2) When one’s self-worth is contingent on whether or nottheyu achieve their standards. To clarify, being a perfectionist has both good and bad parts. The good part is that you have the drive to learn and challenge yourself, as well as the desire to be a strong role model for your siblings. On the flip side, the costs of having unrealistic standards or linking self-worth and identity into performance can be outright dangerous. In addition to what you are experiencing (i.e. social isolation, anxiety, rigid rules, and insomnia), some people can exhibit high blood pressure, depression, migraines, disordered eating, obsessions and compulsions, and others.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been proven to help people with problematic perfectionism understand and change the process underlying their concenrs. Think about this question: If you are not the top student, what thoughts about yourself would you have? With minimal judgment, be mindful of the thoughts that surface as best as you can. Write a few of them down, and observe the thinking style. Do you use the word “must?” “Should?” “Always?” “Never?” Are you thinking about your value as a person or your identity? Based on your submission it seems likely that you might be falling prey to these cognitive traps. If so, your behaviors of perfectionism such as strict rules and triple checking everything, are likely occurring in order to neutralize those demanding thoughts. The behaviors don’t do the trick however, because they leave you feeling stressed, anxious, and from how it sounds, maybe even depressed. Since it is challenging to change thoughts, CBT often tackles behaviors as a starting point. First, choose a general area (i.e. school) and adjust your unrelenting high standards (i.e. be the best vs. try my best). Then, identify the perfectionism behavior you want to work on (i.e. triple checking) and identify a specific goal towards decreasing this behavior (i.e. decrease triple checking by 1x every 3 days). Set an overall time frame (i.e. decrease triple checking by 1x every 3 days for 2 weeks). Note that while you do not have control over your parent’s behaviors, you can convey your distress to them, if you think it would be helpful.
Change is not easy, and practicing to not be perfect is hard work. So it’s essential to validate your feelings. Remind yourself of the costs of being a perfectionist and reward yourself often. As well, set aside 15 minutes each day just to regroup, especially when feeling the pressure. Find things that are self-soothing, for example deep breathing, listening to music, take a step outside, and/or go for a short walk. Also, please make sure you are getting adequate sleep both during the midterms and in general. When we sleep, it is the only time our body resets for the next day. We are more vulnerable to stress, anxiety, and depression when we are sleep deprived. Most important – take care of yourself, and give yourself permission to make mistakes. Making a mistake is a sign of progress!
If the above doesn’t help, you may benefit from one or more sessions with a professional to address perfectionism. In our office it’s a (very) common presenting symptoms – this year alone we have helped over 30 people with such complaints. So there are solutions to be found if you’re willing to (imperfectly) put in the effort to finding them.
All our best,
David H. Rosmarin, Ph.D., ABPP, is an Assistant Professor in the Department of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, part-time, and a board certified clinical psychologist. He also directs the Center for Anxiety, which has offices in Manhattan, Brooklyn, Monsey, and Boston. Laura Vraney, PsyD, is a supervising clinical psychology at the Center for Anxiety’s Monsey office. She specializes in the treatment of eating and feeding disorders among adolescents and young adults. Additional areas of expertise include PTSD, OCD, anxiety, depression, substance use, and personality disorders.
Readers are encouraged to write in their questions and concerns, and each month 1-2 letters will be published along with our responses. Submissions should be sent in via email to [email protected] with “Lakewood Scoop Question” in the Subject line of the message. To protect anonymity, names and other identifying details will be changed prior to publication. Questions are welcome about any topic related to mental health and treatment. We look forward to hearing from you!