Question: Recently, I’ve started feeling like my kavanah in davening isn’t good enough. I say shema once with y’iras shamayim, but then doubt if I had the proper kavanah, or worry I may not have pronounced the words clearly. So I repeat shema to try having more kavanah, but it still doesn’t feel right, and I continue to doubt if I am davening properly. I often spend more time davening than everyone else in shul, and I still don’t feel like I’m fulfilling the mitzvah properly, and naturally, I start to feel ashamed. I also do this with other t’filos and brachos. I’m worried when Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur arrive, I won’t be able to finish my davening at all.

Sincerely,

Kavanah

————

Dear Kavanah,

What you’re describing sounds like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). OCD is characterized by obsessions, which are intrusive or unwanted thoughts, and/or compulsions, which are urges to perform certain behaviors that are challenging to resist. The tension you feel in response to your obsessions drives you to perform the compulsions. For you, it feels like saying shema one more time will help you know you have the right intention. This strategy is backfiring, because the obsessions come back despite your repeating.

Other examples of OCD include being concerned about germs and washing one’s hands repeatedly, being worried about safety and checking things over and over again, and being obsessed that things be symmetrical or “just right” and correcting them until one feels ok. Your OCD has a religious flavor to it, which is also common. To be clear: Religion does not cause OCD, rather when religious individuals have OCD their symptoms often take on religious themes. Across the board though, ALL forms of OCD involve difficulty tolerating uncertainty. The reality is that one could get sick from germs, bad things can and sometimes do happen, things may not be right all the time, and it could also be that you didn’t have enough Kavanah when you said shema. But trying to avoid the anxiety by engaging in compulsions only makes it worse. When you repeat shema, you are unintentionally learning the only way to get rid of this tension is performing the compulsion.

Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) for OCD specifically targets intolerance of uncertainty by encouraging patients to face their fears and not perform compulsions when they feel anxious. This approach helps individuals to learn that their obsessions and anxiety will decrease on their own over time, without engaging in compulsive rituals. While CBT can be challenging, and the process usually takes just weeks or months to complete, and is highly effective. In your case, treatment would help you accept the possibility of sin without actually disobeying halacha. Note that when it comes to religious OCD (also known as scrupulosity), treatment always involves a rav in treatment planning, so that therapy is conducted in accordance with halacha. Thus, the goal of treatment is to bring together both tradition and security, and reclaim your religious life from OCD.

Interestingly, Chazal were familiar with OCD almost 2,000 years ago. The Mishna (P’sachim 1:2) sates “We do not need to be concerned perhaps a rodent dragged chametz from one house to another [and recheck for chametz]… because there would be no end to the matter.” Note the key word perhaps. The mishna is saying there are limits to how scrupulous one must be in fulfillment of mitzvos, and there is an inherent need of accept the possibility that maybe something was missed; but once bedikah has been done and we’ve determined once that chametz isn’t present, zehu.

More broadly, Mishlei (3:17) begins “diracheha darchei noam” which means when mitzvos start feeling burdensome, we must re-evaluate so they become pleasant once again. Similarly, in Chumash (Vayikra 18:5) the Pasuk states “v’chai bahem.” If you spend most of the day repeating tefilos, can you truly say you are “living”? Lastly, the gemara says “lo nasna HaTorah limalachei hashares,” which is to say the Torah wasn’t given to perfect beings. It was given to us mere humans who by our very nature are flawed and incapable of perfection (i.e. 100% certainty).

Accepting doubt plays a key role in life. If we needed certainty about everything, we might never leave home because maybe we’d get hit by a car, so as they say, ‘better safe than sorry.’ However, even this does not guarantee safety against, for example, burglary. The best bet is to live life with some degree of uncertainty, and learn to be comfortable with the possibility of error. If we expect to never sin, we set ourselves up for failure. We are human, and we will err. If we needed certainty about everything, nothing would ever get done, because we can never achieve 100% certainty.

All our best,

David H. Rosmarin, Ph.D., ABPP, & Yoni Sobin, Psy.D.

David H. Rosmarin, Ph.D., ABPP, is an Assistant Professor in the Department of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, part-time, and a board certified clinical psychologist. He also directs the Center for Anxiety, which has offices in Manhattan, Brooklyn, Monsey, and Boston. Yoni Sobin, Psy.D., is a postdoctoral fellow at the Center for Anxiety’s Brooklyn office. He specializes in treating adults struggling with anxiety disorders, ADHD, PTSD, depression, and related concerns.

Readers who are “anxious to know” are encouraged to write in their questions and concerns, and to info@centerforanxiety.org with “Lakewood Scoop Question” in the Subject line of the message. To protect anonymity, names and other identifying details will be changed prior to publication. Questions are welcome about any topic related to mental health and treatment. We look forward to hearing from you!