By Avi Gutfreund. A family member of mine recently got married. The wedding was beautiful and joyous, with friends and family joining to celebrate the start of a wonderful new relationship, one in which both will b’ezras hashem grow and build a home filled with happiness and joy.
But one person was noticeably absent from the simcha. The chosson had spent years in yeshiva with a close friend of his, and his family, myself included, watched as they together blossomed from immature teens to intelligent and well-behaved men. The absence of this friend was kind of shocking, and I noticed the chosson’s distress that his closest friend was nowhere to be found.
When the wedding was over, I immediately called this friend to inquire if everything was ok. He told me that he was fine, and wasn’t comfortable with explaining his absence to me. After some prodding and cajoling on my part, he finally relented. He explained that the two of them had been extremely close for over a decade, and barely a day went by in which they didn’t speak to each other. Yet once the chosson got engaged, their relationship declined, and they had barely spoken during the length of the engagement, which was about three months. While slightly upset over it, he attributed the lack of time spent together to the chosson being extremely busy with his kallah and their wedding plans. But that changed when just a few days before the wedding he realized that he hadn’t received an invitation. He began to suspect that his relationship with the chosson had somehow soured and that he was now persona non grata at the wedding. As the wedding drew closer, his unfounded fears grew to the point that he didn’t feel comfortable even showing his face at the simcha and so he didn’t.
I contacted the chosson and asked why this friend had not been sent an invitation. The chosson, shocked and mortified that one of his closest friends had missed his wedding because of this, said that he had, in fact, sent him an invitation, but that it was most probably lost by a postman.
The awkward situation was quickly resolved, with the chosson’s friend attending and speaking at one of the sheva brachos and their friendship was rekindled.
While this may seem like an odd and extreme case, I think there is an important lesson for all of us in this. When someone is making a simcha, it is extremely important to them that people show up. I know this is obvious, but people often misinterpret not receiving an invitation to come as a reason to actually not show up. But know that why you didn’t get an invitation is usually (in fact, almost never) personal or intentional. Making a simcha is a very hectic experience and oversights are not uncommon.
Ask any baal simcha and they are sure to tell you how many people they meant to invite but simply forgot or never got around to mailing them an invitation. It is also very common for mail to get lost.
Not receiving an invitation might be hurtful, but as a rule of thumb, always assume it was a mistake (unless you have concrete information telling you otherwise). This may seem to some as being an esoteric topic, but after speaking to people regarding it, I have found that this occurs far more than I would have imagined.
The bottom line is that not receiving an invitation is not a reason to be insulted, nor is it a reason not to show up. If you didn’t get an invite and believe it’s your business to be there, just go. Show your face, you just might make someone’s day.
Maskim 100%! thank you.
Well said. It is very common in Lakewood for invitations to get lost.
with the digital age, it’s time to stop the stupidity of invitation. They are expensive and as the letter writer noted get easily lost. We should switch to a digital invitation such as a text message or email. It would be much cheaper and save. parents a lot a lot of money
I once heard a P’shat in the Gemara that because of Kamtza and Bar Kamtza, Yerushalayim was destroyed. While we understand what Bar Kamtza did, what did Kamtza do wrong? he wasn’t even there?! The P’shat is that’s exactly the problem. When your friend makes a Simcha you show up even if you didn’t receive an invitation. A mistake may have occurred (like what happened in the Gemara there) and by not showing up you are causing שנאת חנם.
In the Reb Mendel Kaplan biography he explains the filp side of the story. Why did it matter that Bar Kamtza was there? Rav Mendel explains that a simcha was for only close people to share. And there was a bond of love among everyone there. But if someone who wasn’t close attended the simcha it was like a stranger making his way into the family pictures.
If you’re a close friend, then, sure, show up – but if ur not, then dont. We have KA”H so many Simches, which are all jammed anyway, and our kids & spouses need us to be around at night to help with bedtime, homework or just to be around, you’ll be doing everyone a favor:
Just.
Stay.
Home.
Mazel Tov.
A close friend of mine was getting married and I did not receive an invitation. I debated about going to the wedding and decided to just show up. At the wedding, I met an old landlord of mine who was a relative of the kallah. She’s like, “I’m so happy to see you here! I got your invitation and I forgot to tell you about it!!”
I agree as well. We made two simchas and tried our upmost best to try see to it that no one was left out. But it happened with a few names, also some didn’t have updated addresses and we had it returned only day before the Simcha.
Bottom line is if your close with the Baal Simcha, attend. You will only add to the festivities. Put personal feelings aside.
I read a great piece by R Paysach Krohn – he says going to a Simcha is not about you, it about adding Simcha to the Baal Simcha. If we go with that perspective, our outlook will change and it won’t make a difference whether we were invited or not – inadvertently or not.
@show up
There is also a phat saying just the opposite that you don’t come without an invitation and when bar kamtza got one he thought it was surely for kamtza but just in case I’ll go and see if Kamtza is there then the invitation was for me if he isn’t there than the invitation was for kamtza and I’ll leave and he went and kamtza was there so he stayed
Show up, but don’t expect a meal.
My husband’s friend had passed away many years before. We had lost touch with the almanah who lived in another city. She was making a wedding and my husband wanted to go but was not invited. I urged him to go but he was uncomfortable so he stayed home. Some time later I was renewing friendship with an old camp friend who told me that she was the “other side” at that chasunah. If only we had gone, since we knew both sides. Lesson learned: Go anyway!
I sent out invitations, and several people did not reply. So a few weeks before the wedding I called them to say “I never received your reply, and I know sometimes these things get lost in the mail (not to blame them). Please let me know…”
This way, if someone didn’t receive your invite, it gives them enough time to make plans. And if they misplaced it, it gives them the chance to answer you right away.