1. Lakewood Robbers Cancel Summertime Robberies Due to Seasonal Downpours;
   The Robbers Send Reassuring Message To Mr. Greenfine and Mrs. Samuelstein that Their “18k Gold Watch and 14k Gold Necklace Are Safe For Now”
   A notorious group of robbers from the Lakewood Township area on Monday announced the cancellation of their “Summertime robbery sprees, due to the never-ending stream of severe seasonal downpours.”
   In a statement issued on Twitter, the robbers announced that, “Weather permitting, the robberies will resume in the Fall, when the storms subside.”
   The statement also included a reassuring message to Lakewood residents, Alex Greenfine and Rachel Samuelstein.
   “Mr. Greenfine, there’s no sense in keeping that 18k Gold Rolex Watch of yours locked up in the safe in the left corner of your bedroom closet,” the robbers said in the statement, “because all of our robbery sprees have been canceled for the time being, and will not resume until the Fall.”
   “We would also like to remind Mrs. Samuelstein,” the robbers said in the statement, “that necklcaces are meant to be worn on the neck, and not stashed away in the bathroom, in the bottom drawer, underneath the orange and navy-blue hand towels. Hence, Mrs. Samuelstein, you might as well wear that lovely $3,549 necklace of yours on your neck where it belongs, at least until the start of the Fall season when our treasure hunting activities resume.”

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