Everyone wants to be happy. However, the search for happiness, when it is consuming, can be an addiction. Addiction is the process of trying to maintain constant control over your inner state, either by avoiding undesirable states, or by inducing desirable states or both.

All inner states ebb and flow. It’s impossible to be in a constant state of anything.The destruction wrought by addiction is caused by the compulsive, single minded chase to achieve that control.

The state of happiness, like any inner state, is transient. It cannot be maintained at all times. Paradoxically, if your goal in life is happiness, you are going to be miserable because constant happiness is impossible. You’ll be chasing happiness like an addict chases his next high.

Does this mean we are doomed to misery? Definitely not! We cannot directly control our states at all times, but we can indirectly. Happiness, joy, serenity, gratitude, and all states are the by-product of something else: Living the way you want to.

If you value relationships, the effort you put into relationships will give you joy because you are investing in what is meaningful to you. If you value making a difference, the efforts towards that will leave you inspired, grateful and joyful. If you care about building a business, every step you take towards that will make you feel fulfilled. The key is stop focusing on what you want to feel and start focusing on what you care about.

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Chaim Moshe Steinmetz LISW is a psychotherapist in private practice and provides in person and telehealth therapy for a variety of issues. Visit Chaimmoshesteinmetz.com to get a free copy of “ Master Stress in one Minute”, 3 easy, science based techniques to rapidly restore calm and confidence in less than one minute.