By Rabbi Moishe Dovid Lebovits. Many have the custom to bentch their children on Friday night. Where does this custom come from? Should the blessings be given before or after coming home from shul? Should one use one hand or two hands? How does a left-handed person bentch his children? Which child goes first? What is the accepted nusach? Is there a problem to bentch children, as this is usually reserved for kohanim to bentch us during birchas kohanim? All these questions and others will be discussed in this article.

Bentching Children

When Yaakov wished to bentch Ephraim and Menashe,[1] he gave them a brachah while placing one hand on each one’s head.[2] Rashi[3] says that when we bentch our children we use the same nusach. The custom to bentch children on Friday night is brought down in early sources.[4] The custom is to bless daughters as well.[5]

Reasons

The Yaavetz[6] says that Friday night is an opportune time because there is abundance in the world then, and we present this abundance to our children. Maavar Yabek[7] explains that there is no satan on Shabbos who could prevent the brachah. Others say that the father is not distracted with work, and he can concentrate on the blessing.[8] Still others say that the father might be upset with his child during the week and make an unpleasant comment. On Shabbos he wishes to annul those remarks with the brachah on Friday night.[9]

When to Do It

Some say that one should bentch the children after davening if they are present in shul, or in the house.[10] Others have the custom to bentch the children after Kiddush before washing for Hamotzi.[11]

One or Two Hands

Yaakov Avinu used one hand for Ephraim and Menashe in order to avoid jealousy, as they were both bentched at the same time.[12] We bentch our children individually, and the custom is to use both hands.[13]

Some are concerned with using both hands, as this action is reserved for the kohanim when bentching Klal Yisrael.[14] Those who are lenient say that this is not an issue because everyone knows that the goal is not to act like a kohen[15] (see below where we discuss this idea in greater depth).

Left-Handed Person

According to the opinion that one uses one hand, the correct hand to use is the right hand.[16] A left-handed person would also use his right hand.[17] However, as mentioned above, the custom is to use two hands.[18]

The Nusach

One should say, “Yisimcha Elokim k’Ephraim v’chi’Menashe.” He can then add additional blessings if he wishes.[19]

Those Who Do Not Have the Custom

There are many people who do not have the custom to bentch their children on Friday night.[20]

Older First or No Concern

It is not addressed in the poskim whether or not the older child should be bentched first.[21]

Avel

One who is an avel R”l may not bentch his child during shivah.[22]

Bentching a Daughter

When bentching a daughter, the custom is to say, “Like Sarah, Rivkah, Rochel and Leah.” The source of this custom is obscure,[23] as we do not mention the Avos when bentching a son.[24] The explanation is that logically, we would bentch our children with the names of the Avos, as we do with our daughters. Regarding sons, the Torah clearly says to use Ephraim and Menashe.[25]

Bentching and Issue to Be Like a Kohen

Earlier, we mentioned the fact that only a kohen may use two hands to bentch Klal Yisrael.[26] Therefore, why is it permitted for a non-kohen to bentch his child with two hands?[27] Many answers are offered:[28]

Some suggest that the prohibition is because he looks like a kohen bentching. However, when a father bentches his son it is obvious that he is not trying to imitate a kohen.[29] Others say if the hands are not spread out like a kohen there is no issue.[30] The Darchei Moshe[31] says that there is only a problem if one blesses the tzibbur with the kohanim; otherwise there is no concern. The Bach[32] says that saying the nusach without a brachah is not an issue. The Mishnah Berurah[33] says that if one has no intention of doing the mitzvah of birchas kohanim, then there is no problem.[34]

Placing Your Hands like the Kohanim

It is stated in the name of the Zohar that one is not allowed to form his hands in the manner in which the kohanim place them when giving the brachah to the kahal.[35] Some say that it is permitted if it is not done when the kohanim do it.[36] Practically speaking, one should not place his hands in this fashion except for learning purposes.[37]

Erev Yom Kippur

The widespread custom in Klal Yisrael is to bentch one’s child on Erev Yom Kippur.[38] This is done close to the beginning of Yom Kippur.[39] When the father bentches his child it inspires the child to do teshuvah and he enters Yom Kippur humbled. Some suggest that Yaakov Avinu bentched Ephraim and Menashe on Erev Yom Kippur and we commemorate this by bentching our children on every Erev Yom Kippur.[40]

Bentching a Son before the Chuppah

The custom is that the father (and others) bentches the chassan before the chuppah. Some maintain that the custom is to use one hand;[41] however, this is not the overwhelming opinion.

Potential Issue with Nusach

As mentioned above, we say “Yisimcha Elokim” for birchos habanim. The rule is that one may not recite a fragment of a pasuk.[42] If so, how can we use this nusach for birchos habanim by starting in the middle of the pasuk?[43]

Some maintain that the restriction does not apply to a brachah or tefillah.[44] Others explain that the Torah clearly instructs us to use this formula for the blessing. Therefore, there is no issue with starting from the middle of a pasuk.[45]

[1] Refer to Ta’am V’da’as Vayechi page 265.

[2] Bereishis 48:20. Refer to Asei Lecha Rav 8:28:page 354 which struggles to find a custom to bentch children on Friday night.

[3] Ibid.

[4] Siddur Yaavetz page 153 (old print). Maver Yabek Sifsei Raninos 43:page 143, Kaf Hachaim (Palagi) 28:30, Kaf Hachaim 262:17. See Chinuch Yisrael 1:2:12:page 202, Nishmas Shabbos 1:546, Yesodo Yeshurin 3:204.

[5] Maver Yabek Sifsei Raninos 43:page 143.

[6] Siddur Yaavetz page 153 (old print).

[7] Maver Yabek Sifsei Raninos 43:page 143. See Matamim Hachodesh pages 9-10:1.

[8] Nishmas Shabbos 1:546.

[9] Likutei Maharich 2:page 346 (new). Refer to M’be’er HaShabbos 1:page 360:3. For additional reasons see M’Be’er HaShabbos 1:pages 362-365.

[10] Siddur Yaavetz page 153 (old print), see Noheg Katzon Yosef Shabbos 23:page 157, Lehoros Nosson 9:page 207:13.

[11] Keser Shem Tov 1:page 212:1, Likras Shabbos 1:page 274:2:footnote 16. Refer to ibid why it is not a concern of hefsek between Kiddush and washing.

[12] See Maver Yabek Sifsei Raninos 43:page 143b.

[13] Siddur Yaavetz page 153 (old print), Kaf Hachaim (Palagi) 28:30, Noheg Katzon Yosef Shabbos 23:page 157, Yesodo Yeshurin 3:204, Be’er Moshe 4:25, Teshuvos V’hanhagos 5:72, Lehoros Nosson 9:page 207:13. Refer to V’darashta V’chakarta O.C. 1-2:39 which brings the opinions on this issue. Also see Nishmas Shabbos 1:54, and Bais Hillel (journal) 38:pages 104-105.

[14] Torah Temimah Bamidbar 6:23:133, Tosfos Brachah Naso page 30.

[15] Yechaveh Da’as 5:14, Be’er Moshe 4:25. See Siddur Yaavetz page 153 (old print).

[16] Ben Ish Yemini pages 27-28. See opinion of Harav Chaim Kanievsky shlit”a quoted ibid:footnote 108.

[17] ibid page 28.

[18] Ibid page 28.

[19] Siddur Yaavetz page 153 (old print).

[20] Mibo’o V’ad Tzeiso 24:footnote 3. See Nishmas Shabbos 1:546.

[21] Likras Shabbos 2:page 276:footnote 25.

[22] Pnei Baruch page 246:12.

[23] Refer to Gam Ani Odeicha 1:85.

[24] Rivevos Ephraim 6:pages 168-169. See Tzohar 12:page 163:6. Refer to Bnei Banim 4:pages 118-119.

[25] Gam Ani Odeicha 1:85:pages 174-175.

[26] Maseches Kesubos 24b, Rama 128:1. See Maseches Shabbos 118b.

[27] Refer to Rivevos Ephraim 7:92:1. See Maasei Rav Hachodesh 10.

[28] Refer to HaShabbos V’hilchoseha 8:26:footnote 52.

[29] Be’er Moshe 4:25. Refer to Teshuvos V’hanhagos 5:72, Nishmas Shabbos 1:546, Tzitz Eliezer 11:8.

[30] Nishmas Shabbos 1:546.

[31] O.C. 128:1. Refer to Magen Avraham 128:1.

[32] 128.

[33] 128:3, Biur Halachah 128 “zor.” See Kaf Hachaim 128:8. Refer to Mishnah Berurah 128:6.

[34] See Yehudah Yaleh O.C. 41.

[35] See Ateres Zekeinim on the side of the Shulchan Aruch 128:12.

[36] Rivevos Ephraim 1:93:2.

[37] Harav Yisroel Belsky shlit”a.

[38] Matei Ephraim 619:2, Shulchan Aruch Hamekutzar 3:page 297:17, Hilchos Chag B’chag (Yamim Nora’im) page 329:71. ‘

[39] Chayei Adam 144:19, Kitzur 131:16, Mekadesh Yisrael (Yamim Nora’im) 269:2.

[40] Refer to B’shvilei Haminhag (Shabbos and Moadim) 1:page 109.

[41] Refer to B’shvilei Haminhag (Shabbos and Moadim) 1:page 110.

[42] Refer to Maseches Brachos 12b, Maseches Megillah 22a, Tosfos Maseches Sukkah 38a, Rashba Maseches Brachos 14b, Pnei Yehoshua Maseches Kesubos 24b “b’Gemara,” Yachin U’boaz 2:2, Magen Avraham 51:9, 428:8, Kaf Hachaim Palagi 36:38, Maharam Shik O.C. 124, Maharsham 3:359, Mishnah Berurah 289:2, Aruch Hashulchan O.C. 271:25, 289:3, Chasam Sofer O.C. 10, Rav Po’alim 1:11, Kaf Hachaim 271:66, Divrei Chachamim O.C. 20:228:footnote 228.

[43] This is applicable to other areas as well. For a detailed discussion on this see Birurei Chaim 1:8:pages 162-173. Also see Hakattan V’hilchosav 2:pages 202:208 in great depth.

[44] Ta’am V’da’as Vayechi page 265, see Nishmas Adam 5:2.

[45] Hakattan V’hilchosav 2:page 207.