One of the most challenging scenarios in dating, is when after going out for some time one of the parties does not feel the emotional bond and connection. Everything seems to be going well; perfect match on paper, but something is missing.
At some point the couple decides that it’s no longer proper for them to continue dating. They have reached the point of either get engaged or break up. There is no point to continue going out. (In these scenarios, it’s common for the couple to end the relationship with an understanding of possibly trying it again at a later time, hoping to have more clarity. Although this might be necessary to give the couple closure, it has been my experience that generally speaking the second time around the dynamics remain the same.)
This phenomenon is especially difficult for the party who made the decision to end the relationship. (To say the obvious: In order to avoid feelings of regret and second guessing one‘s decision, it is strongly recommended that such decisions should be made with the guidance of a Rav, Mentor or a Dating Coach.)
In cases where the decision was to move on from the relationship, the couple must accept the Divine השגחה and understand that they were not meant for each other. As we know איש ואישה are made up of the word אש + י״ה. In order for the relationship to work out, we need the שכינה which is presented with the letters י״ה to participate in the match. The couple must believe that this is הקב״ה’s way of telling them that they are not meant for each other.
Although true love is only achieved after marriage, everyone agrees that before any commitment the couple needs to have some level of excitement and positivity about the relationship. They need to feel that they want to spend the rest of their lives together. If these feelings are not present, the couple should stop dating.
You might ask, if so how did רבקה אמנו agree to marry יצחק אבינו and go with אליעזר without knowing, let alone seeing him? The answer is that רבקה אמנו’s measure of whom she would like to spend the rest of her life with was completely different than ours. Knowing who יצחק אבינו was and what he represented, was enough for רבקה אמנו to know that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him without having seen him.
That being said, we need to see if there is anything we can do on our part to salvage this relationship.
Before we can answer this question we need to first understand the dynamics of how a healthy and solid relationship is established.
Mrs Rochel Goldbaum famously explains that just like in the body the head is on the top, the heart in the middle and then is the rest of the body, so too the trajectory for creating a healthy and solid relationship in marriage is to make sure that the couple is a good match first based on the he Mind and secondly based on the Heart. Both of these steps are integral to the relationship and can not be skipped.
First the couple needs to make a logical decision based on proper research before dating, and asking the right questions and making the right assessments during the first phase of dating. During this time the heart should not be involved. The decision needs to remain solely and purely a logical decision based on the mind.
The second phase of dating is equally as important if not more. Without this step the relationship will remain stagnant and not move forward. This is where the couple feels the ״י״ & ״ה״ connecting and a desire of spending the rest of their lives together is nurtured.
If a couple skips phase one and jumps straight into phase two, at some point they will get hit with the reality that they don’t know the person who they have become emotionally involved with and become full of fear of unknown, anxiety and doubt. On the other hand, if a couple tries to skip phase two and jump directly into getting engaged without the connection of the hearts, the relationship will remain distant, cold and in many cases eventually fall apart as there is no genuine desire to connect.
In our Frum circles, due to the lack of comfort between opposite genders, the second phase of emotional closeness and connection is generally the more challenging one. This point exactly seems to be at the heart of the issue in the above case. Although there are some easier cases where one can visibly see that one or both parties are too shy to communicate and connect, there could be more complicated cases where both parties seem to be open and outgoing but still the relationship does not progress. In these cases the involvement of a seasoned Rav or Dating Coach can help move the relationship along unless there is some type of childhood trauma etc, in which case the guidance of a competent therapist is recommended.
————————
Rabbi Moshe Yakoby, a certified dating coach, has dedicated over 20 years to teaching and mentoring singles on their journey to marriage. In 2010, he founded Yeshivat Torah Lishma, where he played a pivotal role in guiding the בחורים through the shidduch process. In 2017, with the enthusiastic support of community רבנים, he launched Get Matched, a full-time nonprofit organization committed to helping singles find their life partners.
To date, Rabbi Yakoby has successfully guided over 200 couples to marriage. Renowned for his approachable, nonjudgmental, and compassionate personality, he works with clients of all ages and religious backgrounds, sharing his wisdom and expertise to uplift the broader community. (310) 927-8618
After 60 Years of Marriage, Countless Cholents and Numerous flower bouquets, Couple Still Asking The Shadchan Whether They’re Right For One Another
Aryeh Kaufburg and his wife Miriam have been married for 60 years-plus, but they’re still trying to find out from their longtime Shadchan whether they’re right for one another.
“Aryeh barely touches my Shabbos cholent,” Miriam told the Shadchan on Sunday. “He loves the shul’s kiddush cholent, but he only dabbles with a few bebelach of my cholent before proceeding to eat every last bit of R&S’s kishka.”
“Why wasn’t I made aware of this problem over a half of century ago before we got married?” Miriam asked the shadchan. “If Aryeh abhors my cholent, maybe he abhors me too!”
Not long after Miriam voiced her complaints to the Shadchan, Aryeh called the Shadchan and asked her why his wife detests the bouquets of flowers he purchases for her every erev Shabbos.
“Every time she takes a whiff of the roses, she suffers a violent sneezing attack,” Aryeh said. “Is that what they mean when they say, ‘Life is not a bed of roses’?”
The couple’s shadchan is still waiting to collect her long overdue shadchanus fee, but the two refuse to pay up the fee before they find out whether they are right for one another.
“The Shadchan told me to try out a couple of more Shabbos meals and a couple of more cholents with my husband before I decide whether he is my true barshert or not,” Miriam told the Shadchanus daily News website. “But how many more cholents must I serve him and how many more roses must I accept from him before I conclude that both of us got stuck with the wrong spouses for life?!”
“To all prospective Kallahs out there,” Miriam warned, “I’d advise you to thoroughly check out your prospective groom’s cholent inclinations before tying the knot with him, otherwise you’ll be stuck with a husband who prefers the shul’s cholent over YOUR cholent, and that’s ONE regret you can’t afford to live with!”