Do You Want To Live In Lakewood Or In Lakewood?

clock lakewoodBy Chaim Yonatan. Lakewood. The word is synonymous to Kollel. Sacrificing. Budgeting. Scrimping and prioritizing, working hard, growing in Yidishkeit. Right? Or, the other Lakewood. Its Friday night. Cozy velour Shabbos pajamas. Shabbos day. Leather Shabbos shoes. With a silver buckle. No, not for the 12 year old. Not even the 8 year old. $70 shoes for the four, five and six year olds. We are setting a trend, living a trend. The peer pressure is raging strong enough to make us forget what brought us here in the first place.

Now of course there are many Kollel families in town that do adhere to the simpler standards of living and to them we all have the utmost respect. Whether its the wife working crazy hours, or the husband tutoring and joining a night Kollel (just to afford the bare minimum), it is the essence of what Mesiras Nefesh for Torah truly is.

So why is it, in a community that boasts the largest Kollel in the United States, and proudly declares itself as the ultimate Toradike Shtot, is there such a tremendous emphasis on children’s clothing and their fashionable accessories. There are so many people (Kollel Families) who find themselves thinking constantly about how, where, and what they should buy in order to keep up with the latest trends.

The juxtaposition is so strong.

Clothing four or five children isn’t cheap. Matching clothing for four or five children definitely doesn’t come cheap. Where is the money coming from? The mortgage payments? The growing grocery bill? The shver?

Why is it that a successful, Frum doctor can take his young family to the park without thinking twice about their comfortable, rugged sweatpants and shirts, while our princes are decked out in their corduroy finery with matching collared shirts, down the line.

Is the fancy stroller a cover up for a low self-esteem. Are we embarrassed to be living a lifestyle that calls for toning down and therefore overdo it – and with pride (minus the slight tinge of red as the check bounces again).

We all have to take a step back and think about why we live here and what we represent. Is it the Ruchnius or the Gashmius?

Do you want to live in Lakewood or the other Lakewood?

Where do you want your children to live?

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92 COMMENTS

  1. how true this is. what is required is LEADERSHIP from those that would make takonos for us to follow.

    unfortunately, people are not strong enough to vercome the “joneses” syndrome.

  2. The successful frum dr’s kids probably look a thousand times better than the “corduroy finery”. The yeshivish community has created their own style as to what they believe is trendy, but to the rest of the trendy world they might as well have walked out of the early 20th century. I know it may seem that I’m missing the point of the article – I’m not. I happen to be one of those who is a bit too obsessed with my children’s clothing, and I know it’s a problem. (I am not part of the kollel community, but still, I agree, it’s a problem for all.) The point I am trying to make is that if all these people who are so obsessed with style would realize what real style is, they would be able to shop comfortably in cheaper stores and their kids would look a lot “trendier” than if they shopped in overpriced stores. Shabbos pajamas? leather shoes with buckles? The rest of the world is laughing. As am I. Thanks for the good laugh.

  3. Maybe everyone should just mind their own business… My bugaboo is in perfect shape and is almost 4 years old. I buy quality and I buy things to last. If at the end of the day, I have some extra money and I feel like spending it on something extra and that makes me happy- good for me.
    If the kollel people are feeling like they have to keep up with everyone else and feel like they have to buy all the latest trends then maybe they should rethink their lifestyles and why they actually decided to stay in kollel to begin with.
    If YOU are feeling inadequate because other people have nice things then maybe you have to worry about your self esteem.

  4. why do people feel it is their job to tell others how to lead their life.The problem is from those that are looking at others and trying to control their lifestyle.if a women inds pride in dressing her kids up so be it.its non of our buisness.and quite frankly many kollel wives are smart shopers and know how to get a good bargain and have their kids look sharp.so crawl back into your hole and just worry about your own mishigas.perhaps the letter writter is covering up for a low self esteem too.

  5. And what about all the yeshiva guys obsessed with brand names since the dawn of time? Trying to be part of the rich and goyish styles is a problem for a while and not only in lakewood

  6. The only way to shtieg is thru torah. Al these shtusim like a gold buckle, bugabbe carriage, fancy suits and fancy cars are a big distration from shtiging and enhancing to be a good torah jew. The peshat of lakewood is torah , Reb Aron planted the yeshiva in lakewood because its far from manhattan and all the gashmi that goes with that . The gashmi has to stay in manhattan . by making a shiur after work or before work your surrounding youself with torah and holiness that does not go out of style. And yes LAKEWOOD IS A IR HATORAH and please olam lets keep it that way

  7. Great article, all the naysayers are the ones who this article is talking about, and as you can see they won’t listen to their spouses, and for sure don’t want to hear it from an outsider.
    Poor people have nothing to be ashamed of, teach it to your kids while they’re young, and maybe they’ll grow up with the right attitude.

  8. Interesting irony:A guy in my car pool lives in a massive mansion drives a brand new car.He and his wife are both very into the luxury they have.Yet they make fun of people in Brooklyn for being “so into gasmiush”Another irony: A person who lived on my parents block in Brooklyn, had the fanciest block on the house was barely kovah itim l’torah etc. Yet he moved to a mansion in Lakewood claiming “he can’t take the Gasmiush of Brooklyn”

    As an aside.In general I think there are people in Lakewood who think that after 120 years they will be rewarded or respected merely because they “lived in Lakewood” (in a palatial home with a standard of living they couldn’t of afforded elsewhere.)

  9. Most people live for others and not for Hashem! Why do people send their daughters to seminary in Israel at the expense of $25,000? Why does everyone need to get into the school that’s so hard to get into (with the building fund)? Why do people waste $ on fancy houses? Fancy front lawns? Fancy cars? Fancy Simchas? The answer to all the above questions is that we’re doing it because of others! Sad but true

  10. why is it everyone wants to tell others how to live? we should all worry about our own lives and make sure we provide for our families needs and not worry about the “jonses” next door

  11. When everybody preaches “tznius” all the time, they forget to teach people that tznius is also how we project ourselves. we should all be living in a lifestyle that should be understated, not loud and calls attention to ourselves. t’s not only about skirt lenghths etc…I believe that the problem we have here is that everybody needs to be noticed, therefore they need to shop and dress a certain way. People can choose to live as they like, but if we would all tone down a touch, I think it would be good for all of us

  12. The days of McMansions and living irresponsibly will end soon.

    Most of us, grew up with an understanding that ” money doesn’t grow on trees” and though it will be difficult, will adapt accordingly.

    What frightens me, is that our children have been raised in the ” ess kumt mir” generation and due to our lust of Gashmius will have a very hard time understanding the changing times.

    As always, kids suffer consequences of parents mistakes.

  13. I walked into a local shop the other day to buy a nice shabbos outfit for my 3 year old daughter. I nearly fell off my feet when I saw the price of $80. I took my $80 and went to the clearance section at old navy, where everything was an additional 50% off the lowest clearance price. I walked out with three bulging bags containing 5 dresses, 2 pairs of shoes, 11 shirts, 4 pants, a few headbands all for $50. I am proud that my child wears affordable and attractive clothing, instead of unaffordable and attractive clothing.

    While we are on the topic, I am proud of my $50 graco stroller that is still in great shape after 3 years. Sure, i was tempted to use a weeks salary to buy a $600 mug-a-poo european stroller, but i used that money instead to fill my oil tank for winter heat.

    And yes, if you have the money, you are entitled to spend it any way you see fit, but the problem is many families dont have the money but feel pressured and compelled to spend it anyway, whether its racking up credit card debt, borrowing, or delaying other essential bills like rent and utilities. My married sister is not accepted in the clique in her complex because when everyone is out walking the babies they wonder why she isntpushing a stroller that looks like a spaceship, why her sheitel looks like it costs less than $1500 (gasp), and why her 4 children are not wearing matching outfits and shoelaces. For that reason, they dont talk to her and she feels very isolated.

    Like it or not, lakewood is no longer a kollel town. it is a city that just happens to have the worlds largest kollel.

    Oh by the way, my 3 year old daughter is not being accepted into any school because I work, wear jeans and a leather kippah. My house is shining with torah and mitzvahs, but the schools cant see past the fabric of my pants. Maybe if a wore courderoy pants and arrived at the school in a bug-a-shoe stroller they would see I am more their type.

    Can you detect my cynicism? Good. I love this town, but the way some people are treated is a shame

  14. The real problem in lakewood is not the kollel couples or mechanchim it is the ones that feel rich only because they are financialy better off than the youngeleit.they can’t afford to live in brooklyn or lawrence.they are always under pressure to show off.and when a kollel guy drives a simillar leased car as them or the kids are wering simillar clothing it eats at their heart.since it takes away from their feeling rich.and it prompts them to write a silly letter to TLS demanding more Ruchniyus.Did they give tzedaka to the kollel man?

  15. stop trying to keep up with us. It just pressures us to keep moving the bar higher. If you only had some self esteem, we wouldn’t have to keep creating the class distance between us. Please know your place and leave us to our lofty position, with or without bugaboos or lladro or whatever we will need next.

  16. People telling others how to live. Bug out, Just dont look and everything will go away, I dont care how you dress or where you purchased it or how much you spend on clothing or if you live in a fridge box.or a Mcmansion . Just be happy and who cares for anything else. Thank hashem your alive , you breath , you walk, you talk, and yes that you eat, some people cant even do that.

  17. Yes, you are right. everybody should mind their own business. If you can afford your bugaboo, go ahead and buy it no problem. The problem is when people are on all government programs yet still have to purchase the bugaboo, the latest ‘yeshivish fad’ clothing for their children, lease honda odysseys, etc etc. The letter writer is not telling you how to live your life and he is minding his own business. He is just saying some food for thought which he happens to be 1000% correct on.
    I shutter when i hear a parent boasting to their child how mommy and tatty are going to build a huge house and Esti will have her own fancy bedroom. For those of you who don’t understand my point with the previous sentence, the point is:
    If you can afford to live in luxury, kol hakavod. There is nothing wrong with it. However, are those the values you want to instill in your child????
    Most people do not want to instill those values but they end up doing so subconsciously. For example: Mommy goes to Jacadi and purchases a $250 Lili outfit for Esti. Esti runs around in the park and falls in mud after tripping. Mommy gets mad and has smoke coming out of her ears because she paid $250 for the outfit. How dare Esti get it dirty???? What message does Esti receive?
    For all those trying to defend themselves about living a luxurious lifestyle even if it is above their means, you are the only one that you are hurting so think before you start shouting about this article. If you would not feel guilty, you wouldn’t feel the need to answer up to anyone.

  18. it starts early – as choson & kalla they had to have the best boy & the best girl – the best ring, the best watch, pearls, big leichter, big menora, rich shver. Lakewood 40 years ago was not like that.

  19. I have never seen so many so worried about how others percieve them , to all who are so concerned about everyone elses life you need to get a life of your own !

  20. What about the schools? They accept people with money over people that are frummer but with only enough money to pay for tuition but not more (and don’t have rich parents). The schools are showing us what is more important!!!

  21. Our job as parents is to make our children survive in a REAL society not a utopia! In real life there will always be someone who is smarter, better looking and richer. Real life doesn’t have uniforms. This community is a society of different people as is the real world. If we teach our children to survive only in a world where everyone has the same, what survival skills we taught? We won’t always be around to create an ideal society for them. So choose whatever torah life you feel like and be proud of it so that your children can be too.!

  22. The idea of always trying to be the best was stressed to us in yeshiva from a very young age and all through the system. Why would things change at this age?

  23. Enough with these letters complaining about everything. If people have the money to spend on luxuries, let them spend the money. There is nothing wrong with that. Not everyone that lives in Lakewood or moves to Lakewood has to live a kollel life. Just because the jewish community was started under that guise, doesnt mean everyone from every walk of jewish and non jewish life is not welcome. There are jews of every walk of life, rich, poor, religious, non religious. If you dont want to live a life with luxuries or cant afford them, fine. But you dont have the knock people who can afford it.

  24. Yes I do want to live in Lakewood. However, I do Live here.. I want to see improvements in parking and street more clearer.. I find it dangerous for our childrens.. There are people are making excuses about they don’t have room. People should have consideration about others and they should use their driveways.. Please … It would be nice if you parked in your own driveways. It not fair that you are parking on the street.This is not New York this is NJ.. YOU OWN A DRIVEWAYS USE IT DON’T ABUSE THE Street.. It will help the traffic and saftey flow…

  25. I lived in Lakewood 30+ years ago when it was still Lakewood. Everyone knew everyone else, we were a small yeshiva community. That Lakewood is a distant memory. Lakewood died many years ago. It is now Brooklyn with a less traffic lights and a few hardy holdout trees. To complain about Lakewood today, is to complain about Brooklyn, which is not breaking any ground. A tree once grew in Lakewood. I remember.

  26. What was that for???????
    Im not #15 but thats NOT how a ben torah talks to another jew.
    and how do you know his house isnt shining with whatever he said it was shining with?
    may be it is? may be he works in a place that he feels he must wear those stuff? may be he isnt as “yeshivish” as you but HIS house does shine more then yours does (and im not talking about his floor!)
    Im someone that was living in lkwd for almost 20 years when i came here it WAS LAKEWOOD, now there are people like YOU that think that black and white is the way to go
    I wear black and white but i learned the hard way that thats not the only way that you can be a great and wonderful jew. and I hope you will learn this way and not the hard way…
    By the way Hashem loves him also and NOT bec he wears what he doesnt wear and not bec you wear black and white
    Remember that if you see a jew he may be better then you even if he doesnt dress like you

    I happen to think you should apoligize here as a comment for such a dumb comment
    thank you

  27. Even when my husband left kollel because of economic need, it did not automatically put us into a better income bracket. We always had to struggle. My children wore Shabbos shoes from Payless, and I bought them clothes in the flea market or at bargain prices from discount stores. I sewed my girl’s Shabbos dresses. I could never see myself spending so much for kids clothes, nor for my own clothes. I still head for the clearance racks in department stores with a coupon besides. I never pay full price when I know I’ll get something on sale later on. A Graco stroller was good enough for my kids and it lasted through several and I still have it for my grandchildren. I do my own yard clean ups and mowings, no lawn service for me. I clean my house, myself. I don’t buy take out nor do I eat out. I don’t consider myself deprived. I live quite comfortably. My kitchen is over 30 years old and could use a makeover, but, I can wait for Moshiach to come without a new kitchen. I don’t see the point in spending so much to live in golus when who knows whats going to happen next, the way the world is going now.

  28. Kreplech, shpitzels, matching clothing. A totally superficial Yiddishkeit with a strong anti–intellectual bent. The real Hungarian mesorah was always based on a kehilah with a strong Rov (ie. Debritzener Rov zt”l) with dikduk b’halocha, tefillah, k’vias ittim and a palpable presence of Yiras Shomayim.. Without a Rov, it’s like Chassidim without a Rebbe or Litveshe without a Rosh Yeshiva—and we’ve seen how disastrous those scenarios were.

  29. Good article! And for all those who are big spenders, before you tell people to mind their own business, it does effect society. Creating a higher standard raises the standard accordingly for everyone – so even the low end becomes a little higher. And what about those who prioritize fancy stuff before tuition? And I feel sorry for those who are trading in upscale lifestyles for unmanagable credit card debt.

    I also agree that Tznius is just as much about a modest lifestyle as it is about hemlines.

  30. what did avraham, yitzchok, yakov and moshe rebaynoo dress in? did they wear black hats and italian suits? nope, they wore colorful robes. Are they not ben torahs? your ignorance is ridiculous. If you think hashem is looking down from the skies and judging someone’s faith based on how they dress, i have some VERY bad news for you– he ISNT. He judges people on their behavior, their faith, how they keep the torah and mitzvahs, and most importantly their attitude. Since yours stinks, you better start doing some teshuvah, quickly, beacuse no amount of borsalino is going to save you.

  31. @24

    It’s my understanding that there is no definition of ben torah that eliminates denim. If I’m wrong, please provide specific halachic sources.

    Assuming he dresses in a tzniut manner, a ben torah is not defined by his clothes. Our avot did not wear Borsolinos. The Rambam didn’t wear a tie. Moshe Rabbeinu didn’t wear as black suit.

    Clothing style is defined by society. The current Lakewood standard appears to be rooted in the American style of the 1930s and 1940s (and that which was favored by gangsters of the time 😉 ). Hassidim prefer European styles from previous centuries. Many frum Israelis tend to dress more casually based on their societal norms. None of these styles is inherently “Jewish”.

    Many fine people dress in a way that is tzniut, but does not meet your apparent standards. Your standards are your own, not that of halacha.

    Personally, I find it more useful to determine whether a person is a ben or bat torah by what the write and say rather than by the specific fabric that composes their clothing. Perhaps you should consider the same thing.

  32. For all those who say, stop telling others how to live their lives, you have a very good point. We should be spending more time checking up on our own selves and letting the rest of the world live as they please. However: with everyone around dressing their children the way they do, following the trends, it is very difficult to be the one not to. Difficult for the children. If my child is one of the only ones in her class that is not wearing something from the latest trends, or she has one Shabbos outfit and not more, she is viewed as the “neb” and is not attractive as a friend. It is not easy for a mother to decide to avoid buying these things for her child, even if she thinks it is wrong, and even if she cannot afford it, when she sees the negative effect that it has on her child because of the way the rest of the majority of the town is.

    The adults dress their children and themselves the way they do because it matters to them, sometimes only subconsciously, how others “label” them (i.e. dresses well, neb, etc.). This passes on to the children. The children of these adults then view (“label”) others based on externals.

    Even for those of us who wish to go back to live in the old Lakewood, and believe that that is the right way, it is not an easy decision to do this to our children when the majority around us is living in the new Lakewood.

  33. It’s amazing how many people need therepy out there and use tls for that, please look at your own self and dont judge. Do iwant my kids to look sloppy? did u know i got that corduroy outfit for free from the gemach, please chill and stop being jealous. we live in a very Rich country where the good stuff comes cheap, why should my kids feet hurt. i sense jealousy from your tone of your letter. you wanna cut down do it yourself, dont telll others how to live their lives

  34. Each individual adult makes the decision to be financially responsible or not. A person’s occupation does not matter. Whether in Kollel, Chinuch or in the business world, the concept of living with in a budget exists. If someone has the ability to live lavishly within the parameters of Torah and Halacha, then its HIS business what he buys or how he spends his money. If someone is falling in to financial trouble, perhaps the individual needs some guidance and maturity in order to make decisions that are best for him and his family. It is not your place to decide what is a necessity and what is a luxury for that person. It is not right or proper to walk or drive down street pointing fingers at what people buy, what they wear, or how they spend.
    This town would be a better place when people would worry about themselves and care for others without passing judgments.
    Instead of busying ones self with pointing out the flaws of others, perhaps it would be more constructive to use that time to reach out and help them.

  35. I’m sorry you got so offended by what some wrote, but your not all that right. Yes of course it matters how you dress that’s why there is a certain why a yeshiva man, ben torah dresses like it or not. That’s just the way it is. I’m sure your a great guy just don’t call your self a ben torah.

  36. by the way I see nothing wrong with buying cozy velour shabbos pajamas the fact that they are cozy and velour is irrelevant and the fact that they are a special pair for the long friday night shabbosim is great. Its more practical for the average mother of young children and bring along the spiritual side of having everything special lekovod shabbos. I can put my 2 to 6 year old children in shabbos pjs for cheaper than buying another shabbos outfit to ruin at the shabbos seudah and then think about washing and hanging 2 shabbos outfits per kid per week, and the time you save from having to undress and redress an extra time on friday evening. That said I think shabbos pjs are the way to go for every little jewish child out there.

  37. I moved out – to a real Kollel life style – in my town we’re just not as trendy as Lakewooders. The local schools also really appreciate having my kids enrolled. I have no regrets

  38. To 37: Re: “Personally, I find it more useful to determine whether a person is a ben or bat torah by what the write and say rather than by the specific fabric that composes their clothing. Perhaps you should consider the same thing.” And also how they think – today a ben torah will try to emulate what the gedolei hador do… and I don’t recall seeing any gadol in denim pants recently. So although Im no gadol but that is obviously what they feel is bakovidig for a ben torah and although you are right that you probably will not find a specific source asuring denim pants – I have to say in a town like Lakewood wearing denim pants is not the norm amongst the majority of yeshiva type dressers and definitely draws attention to oneself. So if this is what you want to do go ahead by realize that you are bringing it upon yourself to not gain entry to a lakewood school that way. whether that is right or wrong is an opinion but the fact that you are different is a fact.

  39. I see that many people can’t mind their own business!!!!!!! How about people letting peoiple the life style they want to live & mind your own business!!!!

  40. i love how people think spending money on a stroller is buying a bugaboo…hello to you all thats not he most expensive stroller anymore…so dont wast ur monsy now buy buying one that u cant afford just trying to fit in by pushing it around town….none thinks its it anymore

  41. Hello everyone. I wear only nordstrom shirts, ferragamo shoes and belt, drive an infiniti and wear cardia glasses. My wife has a Ralph, wears burbury and lacoste, and has a bagabo stroller. But u know what- I Wouldnt give a mosad in town $$ cuz they did not accept my children!!!!!!!!

  42. what i don’t understand is how people have large outstanding balances at their grocery, dentist, tuition…..and comfortably walk in with themselves and their kids dressed in designer clothing that costs practicaly as much as their balance……how can you call yourself an honest upstanding person?

  43. I didn’t have time to read so many comments, but i did enjoy one that made an interesting point. Why do people feel that the current style is is nice looking and pretty, and “out of style” corresponds with nebby, maybe its really the opposite? The strongest proof to this point, is that when you pull out your photo albums from a few years ago, you can’t believe that you actually decided to dress that way! So even if your neighbor looks “nebby”, you might have looked like that not to long ago!

  44. I cannot agree with #46 more!!!! I wish for the old Lakewood but I must dress my children appropriately. I teach them money does not grow on trees and they always wear last year’s style and if a department store has a sale on clothes that look ok, then we get that. I just wish the gashmius wasn’t so emphasized.

  45. maybe you should look closer at your labels and read the spelling, but then again you sound like you’re 6 years old, so maybe you don’t know how to spell…..

  46. @53

    As I don’t live in Lakewood, my denim pants won’t stand in the way of my children’s education. The fact that it could says quite a bit about your community.

    I can’t hope to become a gadol hador, but in my eyes, a true gadol would not have the attitude that allows for judgement of people based upon the fabric of their clothing.

    I have met many scholars, rabbonim, and genuinely good people who wear denim. I’m sorry that you haven’t.

  47. I hope tha when my kids get into shidduchim things change. I didn’t get a custom sheitel, nor did my husband get a new shas, or a watch. What’s the point of it all? It starts from there and builds into more and more. Of course the wedding has to be nice, but there’s nice and then there’s overboard! The same is true for EVERYTHING! You don’t have to go overboard to look presentable. You don’t have to go broke trying to give your kids everything they want. It better stop before my kids reach that age, or else no one will want them if the parents can’t give more and more. So they don’t get a menora…so what?! Do they really need the BEST furniture, the biggest apt., the best top of the line linen??? Enough is enough. As parents, we must teach our children limits! We are raising a very spoiled generation.

  48. I’m also a Lakewooder for over 30 years and there’s so much that I miss about the old Lakewood. But life goes on and we have to adjust…That does NOT mean you have to be immature and keep up with every trend that appears. Live within your budget, whatever it is and DON”T GO INTO DEBT for your gashmius toys. That’s called living the old Lakewood way in the new Lakewood.

  49. When will everyone in Lakewood start minding their own business. ‘don’t judge anyone till u r in their shoes’. And if u still insist on knowing everyones business, start helping all the sick and poor of our town. Or how abt our boys who are out of yeshiva?!?! There is no shortage of people needing our help in this town…

  50. We should realized that everyone is suffering today.. Dear Mayor if you realized that we are all having a tought time today. Yet, We need your help on controling traffic and making everyone to park in their driveways and also controling downtown better.. I find that most of parking on the street are Mexican and you can’t find a spots right aways… The Mexican are in the Laundry Mat or in one of their stores. Or they looking for works… Another problem is there are too many people are Jay Walking on the street and yet it does cause dangeous. There another problem on 2nd and Clifton there is no line painted and yet Police calim that failure to keep right is very annoying you should paint the line so people know where not to cross.. If the township getting cut off then you paint it please… This is very hard for many of people in Lakewood.. Dear Mayor the problem on E 9th St is getting out of hand we need your help to tell the people who own the driveways to use their driveways.. One resident have 6 cars or 7 cars and they are being very selfish to use the street and cause problems… There few people are making crazy excuess because my husband or my wife need to get out of the driveway first.. Who cares .. Keep problem to yourself solve it don’t blame everyone else.. Please everyone in Lakewood keep your cars or Mini Vans in the right place in your driveways… This isn’t NY CITY…

  51. WOW, more mature by the minute!!! I’m trying to control my laughter!! you think i’m jealous? of what? burberry? lacoste? that you couldn’t get your kids into school? your obvious lack of education? is there something i’m missing?

  52. Are you serious??? Do you realize how judgemental you sound? now take your words and throw it back at yourself- i think you need some serious soul searching- this world is an Olam Hafuch- you will see after 120 years how the guy in the jeans is a Tzaddik nistar and many people who seem so frum are nothing but frauds, not putting down frum people – just saying.

  53. Welcome to the new Lakewood. Face reality. Be Your Own Person and set your own standards without holding ‘The Community’ accountable; there is none. Get over it, welcome to our city, and feel free to move out if there’s a chip on your shoulder that’s obstructing your view.

  54. Its a big shaila, If the the shaila is, Is lakewood is the place to be ? Thats no shaila, its poshet peshat, LAKEWOOD IS THE PLACE TO BE. No question on that . Actually I am working hard to put lakewood on the ten best places to live in the country . If the shaila is could lakewood improve? Yes there is always room to shteig, there is always room for another chidush or a deeper understanding of a sigyua. On the gashmi side there needs to be some improvements also,Like if Glatbit shoul be open at least till 1 am , sometimes I do get hungry late at night and in need of a hot-dog or a shnitsel. all in all lakewood is the best place to beeeeeeeee.

  55. I came to Lakewood after marriage. I am from out of town and proud of it. There’s a lot of beauty to behold here that doesn’t exist elsewhere. I try to remember that when all the other stuff gets me down. I’ve always been down to earth, and dress modestly, fashionably, but not over the top. I’m not trying to impress anyone. I go to Shop Rite during the week and see women in Shabbos clothing. Silver shoes on a Wednesday, everything just so. That’s too much pressure for me. I wonder if being simple and modest makes me see as less than to my husband who is accustomed to seeing fancy ladies. Yes, I know, he’s not supposed to be looking, but men do. Should I got buy a new Shabbos coat with fur so I don’t appear shabby? It’s something I think about. My child is dressed neatly, what would be called preppy. I don’t buy his clothes in town. Land’s End, Children’s Place are not only good enough, it’s what’s age appropriate. Children need clothing they can play in, they aren’t on display.

    The biggest disappointment I’ve had living here is the attachment to material wealth. Lakewood was formed on much higher ideals than that.

    Live as you will..nobody is saying otherwise. But do think about the message you are sending and the impossible standard you are trying to achieve in terms of outward appearance.

  56. i just think we all are adults that can make our own decisions on how to lead our lives,some of us will have to learn the hard way through our own mistakes ,and some already know what to do.its good to bring attention to the problem so that we realize the problem ,but it probably wont change anyone,we need to realize and change ourselves.

  57. So here we have over 70 comments stating all the problems with Lakewood. Let me tell you why Lakewood has so many problems. I have lived here for about 30 years, and I think I have a pretty accurate understanding of the way this town works. R’ Aharon started a nice community here years back built around his yeshiva. The yeshiva students lived peacefully with their modern ortho, non religious and non Jewish neighbors. Real estate was much more affordable, and many of the yeshiva students chose to stay here even after they were no longer full time yeshiva students. There were a couple of schools in existence and they accepted most children; for the more modern crowd there was Bezalel. These schools tried to pass on the values of the yeshiva, but somewhere along the way the true values got lost. The things that people started concentrating on were things like the “importance” of dressing yeshivish; not getting a decent secular education; finding as many chumras as you possibly can, no worries if you have no clue what you’re doing or why you’re doing it, or if you more or less ignore the basics of halacha. How can anyone possibly think a community can survive like that? A structure with no foundation will inevitably implode. Now all we’re left with is a bunch of uneducated people whose comments and letters I can barely understand, probably because they literally don’t have the emotional capacity or vocabulary to be able to adequately express themselves in their own heads. If more people had a decent command of the English language and were not so emotionally immature, they might even be able to have a coherent thought here and there, and these ridiculous forums wouldn’t exist. But I digress… Or do I? Get an education. Learn how to speak and write. You’ll find your entire life will be so much better, and you’ll be able to stop worrying so much about Shabbos pajamas and doctor’s kids in sweatpants.

  58. Very well said, the biggest reason i left Brooklyn is for “the show” that everybody is playing. Not only in Flatbush you have this issue but also in Boro Park, Williamsburg…..
    Lakewood is much more “simple”(unfortantly not for to much longer )
    Most ppl. buy things they can’t afford just because the others have it.
    best example is the cars that ppl. drive.(they can’t even afford it,that’s why they all Lease them.you think you such a knacker by driving an expensive car???) Why does a 20 year old kid need to drive in a Lexus,Acura,BMW…..??? one reason :CAUSE PPL. ARE SELFISH, THEY JUST CARE ABOUT THEMSELVES.ppl like that will never be happy.

    This is what is tearing us (american jews) apart. Even if you can afford it,why make the others in your community jealous? you wonder why there’s so much hated between us, cause we don’t FAGIN , we don’t wish the other person should have something better then us, it’s all about ME,ME ,ME…….
    On the other ,don’t need to look like a shmatte, look mentslech.
    My kids look very nicely dressed in Children’s place or GAP clothing.

    Whoever said above “we can do whatever we want” is being STUPID.
    We should stick together, that’s how a community becomes succesful.

  59. stop harassing broolyner and mind your own business!!!! i hope your not mind son’s rebbi, son’s friend’s father, neighbor, or child’s babysitter. u r mean!

  60. I have lived in Lakewod almost 20 years (since marriage). I have been ‘taken to the carpet’ by many “bnei torah” for not wearing the ‘correct’ hat (or the proper streimel by many local “chassidim”).

    When I asked any of these people to please learn with me and show me in the Shulchan Aruch, Aruch haShulchan, RAMBAM the ‘proper’ hat, they just laugh at me, making me feel ‘wonderful’ that I became a Baal Teshuva.

    Where I learned a yid was not judged. A yid is a chelek Elokim MAMISH (Tanya, Perek Bais). As he or she learns and becomes more ‘connected’ one concentrated on their learning and their avoda.

    When I first moved here I was ecstatic, moving to a makom torah where people learned and lived torah. The first Sheva Brucha I had, the baal haBayis congradulated me on and asked everyone to give me a brucha for “leaving the cult and joining torah”.

    I laughed then and I laugh more now….

  61. I think a lot of people are totally missing the point that is trying to be made by knitpicking at the specifics. Lakewood was built specifically on the premise of people willing to shvitz and and toil at all costs so that they’re whole lives would be ki heim chayeinu only for torah. Within the last ten – fifteen years that has changed drastically.
    The point that I think is being made is that let us not lose sight about why we are living here. We are supposed to set an example of exceptionalism through our ruchnius not the other way around.
    Hashem Yaazor

  62. I agree with the author. With that said, Lakewood has a number of mailos because of its strong emphasis of being a limud hatorah.

    I think this issue is becoming like the shiduch crisis and at-risk kids. Just as those topics are important and I have heard and read so much about them that I am not interested in reading anything about them, the same with Lakewood becoming materialistic. Materialism should not define Lakewood as it does other locales, but I am not interested in reading about it anymore. Please, come up with new material.

  63. I use a menorah that’s the bad imitation of a silver menorah.
    It’s almost as bad as walking with our second hand graco stroller.
    But don’t feel bad for my family. We have already started to plan an elaborate Purim shaloch manos theme. Hopefully this will help us regain some of our status.

  64. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I am already starting to view
    Tisha b’av as a yom tov. There’s no fancy clothing, no maftir Yonah auction, no esrog box, no cheese cake recipes, etc…
    Still, it’s a bit embarrassing reading Eicha sitting on a milkcrate vs. on a nice misaskim type of chair.

  65. Just in case anyone is wondering what the poskim have paskened is the ‘proper head gear’ for a man, the ONLY halachic ruling on STYLE of hat is the RAMBAM who says it is a chiyuv to daven wearing a …..
    (no, not a borsolino)
    (no, not a striemal)
    (no, not even a knitted kipa seroga)

    YES: RAMBAM paskened we have to wear a turban, just as the Gemora does. And even if one wants to say that only a chacham wears a turban, then who moved to Lakewood to be an Am hoAretz??

    Gemara in Kiddushin (20B ) which says that Rav Kahana accepted a turban by pidyon haben because he would cover his head

    Gemara says that a talmid chacham would
    wear a turban. The Rambam writes that the derech of talmidei chachamim and their students is that they will only daven when they are “atufim”.

    Talmidei chachmim would wear turbans.

  66. as someone who has to work I don’t understand how people are surviving I am having such a hard time paying tuition and BH I have a salary coming in.
    Maybe the boys should start to wear uniform this would take away some preasure on parents.
    Regarding schools there are so many kids still not in school yet this year. I don’t understand when are the Rabonim and Askonim going to take care of this problem.
    A child being home for a few months with no school can affect his lor her ife latter on.

  67. I mean I wouldn’t raise the taxes but I would not make the taxes crazy but we do need to make our commuinty better…By How?? We need someone to observe the Lakewood Commuinty and make thing more better.. I know no one can change anyone but you can change yourself… We need each one of you to support the right path…

  68. I really feel that everyone has to stop looking over their shoulders, whether youre the one whose standard of living is higher or lower. Just as someone who can not afford a lifestyle that is only top of the line is not be judged because after all this is what Lakewood is or atleast was in essence all about. Not only are they not be looked down on but commended for facing reality and not letting themselves be pressured into a lifestyle that they either cannot afford or believe in. On that same note , people should not judge or look down on those who do choose to portray a higher standad of living, nobody knows what really goes on in everybodys life, for some people this lifestyle may make a bigger difference in their life than what it appears and for whatever reason really makes them feel better about themselves, in addition many were brought up this way and do not have the confidence to giv eup something that gave them that extra boost all their lives. If a person is a good erlich jew who lives thier life in accordance with halacha, who davens everyday, dresses btznius and radiates a beautiful jewish home than the fact that they push their child in a high end stroller should by no means take away from the more important things that they do in their life.
    If people would altogether stop judging others than all this pressure would never exist. Everyone should just live and let live and they will come to the realisation that their is more thay can be said about a person based on how they live and not solely on their standard of living.

  69. Great Article. I’m impressed by the conversations you generated. Hopefully, we will see some positive outcomes from all the discussions and we can all grow thanks to your deep insight. We hope to hear more articles from you soon.

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