[Reprinted with permission from Mishpacha Magazine] Dear Tatty, or Daddy or Abba, or whatever title you go by, You are a RASHA!
The worst type of rasha, because what you are doing is completely and totally inexcusable.
Are you listening to me? I am talking TO YOU. Yes, you, who are so deservedly respected in you shul and community. You, who are known to be helpful, honest and a yarei shamayim. You, who are completely uninterested in getting recognition. YES YOU ARE THE RASHAH I AM ADDRESSING.
Why? Because your mesivta age son, who is so universally beloved – literally, the mascot of the class – recently approached someone to get something off his chest. He was crying. Yes, your son, that winner of a kid, who is so cute, popular and bright. That one. He was crying. And the person he was telling it to was crying too, because he felt so badly for your son.
How do I know? Because your son told me.
So what was your son crying about?
The stuff that he sees on the Internet at home, BECAUSE YOU..YOU FOOL!… HAVE NOT YET FILTERED IT!
No. He is not addicted. He is simply a normal — in fact, a healthy and otherwise happy and extremely well adjusted adolescent bachur. He has taavos. And he cannot always control them. He is a walking example of the Gemara’s statement, that if one places his son “b’pesach shel zonos, mah yaaseh haben shelo yechetah.” It is nothing deeper than that. I promise you.
I know what you’re thinking. I raised my son so well, he would never. Well, I got news for you. Indeed, you raised your son wonderfully. You and your wife did a great job. He is truly a wholesome child, and I am not being at all facetious. But you are making a fatal mistake because the taaveh to see the worst things in the world has nothing, ZERO — are you listening to me? — ZERO, to do with upbringing and mental health. It’s simply that at certain ages self control in certain areas is extremely hard.
In your mind, your son should just decide what’s right and stick to it. The problem with your thinking is twofold.
Firstly, you think you are smarter than everyone else. Despite repeated warnings by every Rov and mechaneich worth his salt, you think you know better. Well, you don’t, and to prove my point I present you with exhibit A… the image of your own crying son.
Secondly, you are confused about the nature of willpower and determination. They are a finite resource that gets depleted over time. If you need “scientific” proof, how’s this? A renowned social scientist asked a group of people to sit by a table which held plates of warm, freshly baked cookies, and also bowls of radishes. Some people were asked to sample the cookies, while others were asked to resist the cookies and eat the radishes instead. Then they were given 30 minutes to complete a difficult puzzle. Guess what? The radish eaters, who had resisted the cookies, gave up on the puzzle after about eight minutes, while the lucky cookie-eaters persevered for nearly nineteen minutes. Apparently, by drawing on their willpower to resist the cookies they drained themselves of the self-control needed for the puzzle. In other words, willpower is like a muscle that gets tired at the end of a workout; if you use it too much, it runs out. When you are in a toxic environment you are constantly taxing your will power to overcome the nisyonos and eventually, you’ll run out of gas.
So here is what happened to your son.
He came home Thursday night for an “off-Shabbos” and he wanted to chill. Sitting in his room was the unfiltered Internet. After feeling miserable because of his failures the previous off-Shabbos, he promised himself that this weekend things would be different.
It started out well enough, but then he got a little bored, so he walked out of his room to get away from the computer. Lying on the kitchen table was an Ipad. He figured he would just play a game on it, and took with him to the bathroom and then the back porch. This warrior son of yours had by this time drawn on three hours of willpower and he was calling on his reserves. As he reached the bottom of his barrel, he figured he would give just a little peek to see what the latest “kosher” movie online was. But on that page there were more enticing things, and whatever was left of his willpower was gone. So he failed. And once he failed, he felt depressed, which just aggravated the matter, so he looked more. And before he knew it he had seen the worst things imaginable.
Was any of this too hard for you to follow?
He couldn’t daven and couldn’t learn. He started crying because, he felt like a rasha. His words not mine. But he’s dead wrong. You are the rasha.
Right now. This very minute. As soon as you put the paper down, you WILL contact TAG, log on to Internet, go to Webcaver, K9 or any of the other million decent filtering systems and place a filter on every single one of your devices.
NOT LATER. NOW!
Stop killing your kid.
You love him, and he really wants to love you back, but he can’t.
Because he hates himself.
A gezunter Vinter.
W.o.w. Such a powerful and emesdik way to convey what we all know is happening. Please heed his warning! Children are precious and it is our achrayus as parents to do what we can to provide them a safe environment to grow and thrive. That safety is compromised by unfiltered and unmonitored internet usage!
heavy stuff
whew!! so so true and sad, and you know, this is the officially top good solid bachur….imagine the shaky bachur…parents have to stop thinking “not our family” and face reality…tag is the greatest org there is, and no matter how much anyone makes fun of the idea, they’ve helped so so many people-including myself..
By posting this article it would seem that the editors of TLS agree with the content. So how come TLS videos take you to a youtube link which is a site that has the worst content without any real filtration possibilities???
forget about his kids adults need filtering just as much. Lets not fool our self. we all know that we will fall with out a very good filter . get web chaver yismerani that has accountability . btw if pay a drop more they filter also
#4 Your CORRECT!!!
why don’t these michanchim stop bashing parents in public and start telling kids to talk to their parents?
every word true
I am shocked; I am dismayed and shocked that the tls would run an editorial that legitimizes calling a parent a rasha. Such chinuch is deplorable, and as such it is completely and utterly unacceptable not to mention irresponsible, no matter what the issue being discussed is. This is especially so when children can read it. I for one can think of other ways to have addressed the issue of internet and filters in a manner absent of demonstrating to children that sometimes it is not only acceptable but it is warranted to label a father as a rasha. Unfortunately the fact is that once the lesson of chutzpah is taught, as in the present matter, children tend to extend the “permissible” chutzpah even further. Remember, chutzpah is far worse than the Internet, because unlike the Internet chutzpah can be accessed on shabbos and yom tov, as well to date I have not yet seen a filter for chutzpah towards a parent.
$$$$
all the filters are needed that’s not a question, the problem is the kids know how to get around the filter so fast
The message is terrific , the delivery- not so much. No one likes being screamed at or being spoken down to. And this guy is doin just that.
To the commenter who writes about chutzpa, I sincerely hope you are joking. I have yet to have read such an elementary-level thought that you were not embarrassed to think, let alone share to the public. Have you gone mad?? Chutzpa is worse than an unfiltered Internet because children can be chutzpadik on Shabbos as well?! Where is the logic??!! Chutzpa is not a devastating addiction that has taken the lives and neshamos of even some quite respectable (prior obviously) community people or even leaders! Chutzpa is something that is DEALT with as part of the job we undertake called “chinuch”!!
Filters can and are meant to be bypassed. Just get a good solid number lock on the door where you keep the computer.
To 13. Yes, I am serious. Chutzpa is the key to poor behavior, because Chutzpa is the impetus behind an individual believing that he can engage in any behavior that he desires. If we grab hold of the attribute of chutzpa and its accompanying attribute of Guyvah, then most poor behavior will be in check. Additionally, with regard to addiction. A chutzpan is addicted to himself and thereby he is driven by whatever he wants to say and do. Could there be any greater addiction than the all inclusive addiction of Chutzpa? If you don’t agree it’s only because you don’t understand the horrifying potential of chutzpa. Sadly many other Lakewooders also don’t understand that there most be zero tolerance for chutzpa, consequently Lakewood is failing to grab hold of the problem. Any realistic parent and educator will attest to that. So yes, I maintain that if you teach a child that chutzpa is permissible you will lose that child to a lot more than the Internet, even if he still dresses in black and white. The fact is that parental respect is a given and must remain unscathed, if we are to pass the torchlight of Torah from generation to generation. We should all have hatzlacha in bring up our children Bederech Torah.
Am i a rasha for letting my kids go to walmart? And if not , why not? Why is rasha reserved only for internet etc.
Whether or not chutzpa is worse than the internet is not the point the point is however that there are more civilised ways of giving mussar one prerequisite is that the parent should expect the mussar and take it to heart instead of feeling like he’s being attacked furthermore it does in fact teach chutzpah and if it could be dealt with in a different matter it should be furthermore many bachurim have this issue and davin and learn looking at shmutz is an avera like all others and shouldn’t impare a hhealthy person it only his unhealthy level of guilt that is impairing him therefore it should be explained to him that he is not a rasha not because the father is but bc it’s a hard nisoyon at this age and he’s normal