Quality therapy can positively transform peoples lives. Like anything positive, if therapy is provided by unskilled or unstable practitioners, it has the potential for real damage. There’s a specific brand of therapy or rather “pseudo-therapy” that is dangerous and destructive. For the most part, this approach to therapy is more prevalent in the “woke” culture and therapists that subscribe to it, and is much less common in the frum community. However, it does exist and it is important to be aware of its features and pitfalls.

Many therapeutic modalities are based on the principle that the relationship between the therapist and the client is itself a crucial part of healing. In a very specific, limited way, the therapist is mimicking what parents do. We learn who we are from the content and quality of our interactions with our parents. For example, if as children we were yelled at alot, then as adults, we will believe we are “bad” and yell at ourselves internally as well. If as children we were accepted and heard, we will accept ourselves as well.

The therapist does the same. The words, tone of voice, body language, and connection of the therapist convey a profound acceptance of the client. The client internalizes the unconditional acceptance of the therapist and the client then accepts themselves.

This concept is embedded in a variety of therapeutic modalities. When applied properly by a stable, mature, and responsible therapist with proper training, this aspect of therapy is instrumental to its successful outcome. However, when applied by a therapist that lacks proper training and/or maturity, this aspect of therapy can be misconstrued and has dangerous consequences.

Lets take Yossi as an example. Yossi is a 10 year old boy. If anyone teases him, he beats them up. If he wants candy, he takes it. If he thinks something isn’t fair, he yells and screams and won’t comply.

Yossi’s mom took lots of parenting classes. She learned about the importance of accepting unconditionally, the importance of naming and validating children’s feelings and how a child must never doubt their parents love.

When Yossi beat kids up, she’d validate how much it must have hurt him that he was teased. When he took candy, she looked the other way, she wanted him to feel loved. When he threw tantrums over unfairness, she acquiesced, she didn’t want him to ever doubt “his truth” and his sense of justice.

When Yossi grew up, he was a selfish man with no boundaries. He had anger and impulse control issues. He always needed to get his way. How could he not? No one ever showed him that he couldn’t hit, get his way all the time or that he needed to do hard things that he didn’t think was fair. Yossi was not equipped for life.

There are therapists that believe that their job is to be Yossi’s mom to their client. Therapy is a safe space and they affirm and validate their client regardless. They’ll never challenge their client, that wouldn’t feel safe. They encourage their clients to voice “their truth” and if it’s not heard, cut those people off. If a client acts in destructive and dangerous ways, the therapist neglects to challenge them to recognize the consequences of their actions because that may “retraumatize” them. The central and most important focus of this approach is for the client to discover and express their authentic self. While the concept of an “authentic self” is inherently neutral, in this approach to therapy its meaning is the narcissistic pursuit of one’s own needs and desires as the highest goal and value. If that means the destruction of relationships and marriages because one “doesn’t feel authentic”, so be it.

The client comes to therapy because they want a better life. That therapist is destroying their clients life. Through their mirroring, they are conveying that everything is ok, that one’s feelings trump everyone and everything, that choices don’t have consequences and that imperfect relationships are not worth having. How do you think your life would look if you lived that way?

Of course, the unconditional acceptance of therapy is crucial and essential to healing. But not by itself, only if its coupled with a deeper sense of acceptance that gives room for challenge without impeding that sense of acceptance. True acceptance creates the ability for openness and honesty without it damaging the connection, on the contrary, it enhances it. Many people have never experienced someone challenging them on their actions while maintaining the same acceptance and care implicit in the challenge. To them, challenge was abusive. When acceptance and positive regard are partnered with the ability to challenge clients to be their best selves, they internalize how to accept AND challenge themselves with love. THAT is real healing.

Because of these issues, it’s important to do research on the therapist you choose. There are a few points to consider. A frum therapist is ideal for many reasons. Aside from the obvious therapeutic advantage of the therapist understanding your value system, it’s also much less likely that a frum therapist will subscribe to the above model.

If the therapist is young, it can be helpful to ask who their supervisor is or was. Did they have an experienced therapist supervising their work before they went on their own? Do they still have ongoing peer supervision (peer supervision is when a group of therapists review their clients with each other)? While supervision is mandatory to get licensed as a therapist, ongoing peer supervision post licensing is not mandatory but is a positive indicator. This may not be applicable to older experienced therapists but hopefully at that point, more information is available in regard to their work.

There are a few red flags to keep in mind after starting therapy. The therapist should not be telling the client to leave their marriage or cut off other relationships. While there are often situations in which the client decides to end a relationship, the role of the therapist is to help the client gain the clarity or healing so that any decision is their own. It’s unprofessional and inappropriate for your therapist to attempt to sway you in any direction. That’s not their job. Helping you to see the pros vs cons or consequences of a given path is very different than swaying.

After being in therapy for a while, there’s a question that is important to ask yourself. Are you growing as a person as a result of the therapy? You may enjoy going to therapy, you feel heard and supported but are you growing? If you are, great! A lack of growth doesn’t mean the therapist is dangerous, it may just not be the right fit. There are many other factors as well, including the level of your own investment in your growth. However, it’s definitely cause for more reflection.

One note of caution. None of the issues mentioned earlier are black and white. There are many circumstances in which there ARE very problematic or abusive relationships. Often, one begins therapy due to a very troubled marriage or other problematic relationship. The person then grows and begins to set boundaries and assert themselves. (Setting boundaries is very different than the “advice” to end imperfect relationships mentioned earlier. Boundaries are essential to all relationships, healthy ones have them built in. Also, on many levels, a client ending a problematic relationship is different than the therapist advising the client to end imperfect relationships). In these situations, boundaries and assertiveness is a healthy and positive development. The client is no longer willing to tolerate the mistreatment or abuse. However, this is often not received well by the spouse or family member. The spouse/family member then blames the therapist for “poisoning” the relationship and ruining their life. Because of this, I’m addressing the above points to the therapy client directly, not to the family or spouse of the client. Only you can decide whether your therapist is helping you grow. The opinions of those around you can only be helpful if they are unbiased and are not affected by the changes you are making in therapy.

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Chaim Moshe Steinmetz LISW is a psychotherapist in private practice and provides in person and telehealth therapy internationally for a variety of issues. Aside from the traditional weekly session model, Chaim Moshe also offers the “Master Session”. A “Master Session” is a unique, targeted, single session that is transformative for many personal, career, and marital issues. For more info, and to subscribe to “From Stress to Serenity” emails, visit https://www.chaimmoshesteinmetz.com/