Some Guidance for our Amazing Counselors & Staff Members
The following is a basic overview of Chazal’s mehalech of chinuch and the keys to unlocking human potential as presented by our Gedolim throughout the generations. Unfortunately, although really basic, a lot of these ideals are overlooked in today’s culture due to various factors, but one of our main goals here in camp is to emphasize their importance and to utilize these life-changing techniques in order to bring out the best in our precious campers, both b’gashmius and b’ruchnius. Let us begin.
There is a common misconception among the general population, who believe that there is a machlokes between two mehalchim in chinuch: 1) The idea of unconditional love (misunderstood as “let every kid do whatever he wants and hope that he turns out normal”) vs. 2) unconditional control (demand full control over everything the kid
does and that is the ONLY way he will turn out normal.) Both of these ideas miss the mark.
The Gedolim have repeatedly said that today’s mehalech in chinuch is closer to the first idea, but it is often slightly misunderstood. Firstly, “Chanoch l’naar al pi darko” does NOT mean it’s necessary to stuff a child with pizza, ice cream and sushi, put him up in an amusement park for a month, or encourage him to party with his friends to the wee hours of the morning, just because that’s what he may be interested in doing at the moment. Rather, it means building up each child from deep within, by discovering, motivating, and encouraging him to bring forth his unique strengths, talents and techunos hanefesh that Hashem blessed him with, and presenting him with healthy opportunities to do so.
How to go about doing all that practically? That’s the yesod of this mehalech, which begins with the often misunderstood application of unconditional love (as mentioned above). I feel a better way of paraphrasing it would be “unconditional validation”. We need to get every kid to know and believe that he is a Ben Melech, a Chelek Eloka Mima’al. Cherished, unique, special, integral, irreplaceable. This fact cannot be repeated enough. Every single human being was created unique qualities that are meant to be utilized to their fullest extent for the sake of all of Creation. No one is extra, everyone has something irreplaceable something to offer, Hashem never overbooks or orders too many people by mistake. We need to get every kid to know this and to believe it. But first, we need to believe it too.
In 1943, a psychologist by the name of Abraham Maslow authored a paper called “A Theory of Human Motivation”. In it, he established a structure called “The Hierarchy of Human Needs” which remains in use until today. It’s a pyramid starting from the bottom, listing the basic human needs, heading up towards our more advanced and elevated pursuits. Maslow’s theory states that we proceed up the pyramid only once the needs at the lower levels are met.
The levels (lowest to highest) are as follows:
1) Physiological Needs (air, water, food, sleep, clothing, shelter, basically everything necessary to our physical
suvival as a species)
2) Safety Needs (physical security, financial security, emotional security etc.)
3) Social Needs (family, friends)
4) Esteem Needs (healthy need for recognition, validation and respect)
5) Self Actualization Needs (need and motivation to accomplish significant things in life.)
See what’s happening here? I’m sure everyone is familiar and can relate to the needs at the bottom of the pyramid when educating a child, however, in order to truly build a healthy human being, one must realize that the needs further up the list are just as integral (if not, at times, more so). When a parent or educator genuinely focuses on a kid’s level 2,3, and especially 4, it creates the most fertile platform and launching pad for the child to jump head first into level 5, which is the ultimate goal of chinuch.
Rav Shlomo Miller shlita says an amazing vort. He asks, how is it that Noach tried educating his generation to do teshuva for 120 years without one success story, while Avraham Avinu did the same thing and managed to create multitudes of ba’alei teshuva? He answers, the vort was simply that Noach gave mussar, while Avraham shtelled kugel.
Avraham’s mehalech was first and foremost to make sure that his guests’ more basic human needs were met before enlightening and inspiring them toward their higher spiritual potential.
The bottom line is, children (and for that matter, all human beings) are capable of extraordinary things once all their basic physical & emotional need are met. Throughout Chazal there is tremendous emphasis on the extreme importance of respecting other human beings, be it financially, emotionally or spiritually. The talmidei Rabi Akiva were nebach deserving of misa, as mida k’neged mida of lacking respect for their peers, thereby depriving them of a basic human need. Rabi Akiva brought a talmid back from near death simply by paying him a visit, cleaning and freshening up his living conditions, providing the physical and emotional needs he was lacking.
The mishnayos in Pirkei Avos stress the importance of being mekabel kol adam b’sever panim yafos, being makdim shalom l’chol adam, being an ohev es habriyos and thereby being mekarev them laTorah.
In my experience in the classroom and in camps, I have seen incredible turnarounds in kids who were all but given up on in terms of having their issues figured out and the fact no one was able to get through to them. With a bit of authentic validation, parents and Rebbeim reported in shock that these children became changed people, and were left wondering what happened to all the bleak predictions that were made by professional
therapists. The gedolim and askanim at the helm of promoting this approach testify that statically, this is the mehalech that prevents most of the horrible physical, mental and spiritual issues that unfortunately, many young people face today. Rav Ahron Leib Shteinman zt”l stated that there is NO SUCH THING as a mechutzaf today! No kids gets out of bed in the morning with a calculated agenda to be a troublemaker. If a kid does step
out of line, it’s simply a reflection of an inner need to be validated and noticed. Calling him out and reprimanding him on the spot does nothing but deepen that need. Change the subject and build him up with some healthy validation and watch how that solves the problem.
I could really go on and on about this topic, citing numerous Chazals and statements from the Gedolei haGedolim from this and previous generations, along with personal experiences of the astounding effects of this approach, but our space is limited and the point is clear. Our camp is called Kulam Ahuvim for a reason. I implore each and every one of our wonderful staff to keep to our mission and live up to the name. Smile. Pump. Connect. Validate. Make every kids feel that he belongs, is important, is needed, not in any way judged and controlled. We need every kid to walk out of here a changed person for the better on every level possible. I have faith in you guys, and feel free to hock me up at length about any of the facts or ideas presented here.
Hatzlacha raba!
Yehuda Kanner
Head Counselor
(Via newstips@thelakewoodscoop.com)
I can attest that the camp really gives my son the recognition he needs. He has never gotten it anywhere, not school or any other day camp.He is so happy!
Rabbi Manner of you want to open a premesivta school for next year, you have a talmid!
beautiful. well said.
So happy my son is lucky enough to work in kulam ahuvim and have Rabbi Newman as a Rebbi
Wow! So profound and absolutely true. I was wondering which master mechanech wrote this, and when I saw it signed by Rabbi Kanner, it all made sense.
I am fortunate to know of him and am continuously inspired by his work. He lives the words he wrote, and relates to his students in a manner I’ve hardly ever seen before. I’ve seen him take failing boys and build up their self worth to the point where the next years rebbe would never believe that they were on the bottom of the class the year before. It’s unprecedented.
I can’t wait for the day when he opens his own mossed. I think he has the power to impact the face of chinuh in Lakewood.
Until then, we can all try to learn from him and emulate his methods. What he wrote here is what he is and how he operates. And it’s fortunate for us that he put it into writing.
Truly an insightful essay with lots of important ideas about chinuch and interpersonal behavior. I just wish people would stop conflating the summer day camp programs with the concept of chinuch. Chinuch is a responsibility for fathers (or perhaps a community in case of no father r”l) to their children. While we expect all adults (and adolescent counselors) to act responsibly and mentchlich especially when they are in an environment containing impressionable children, no one should chas veshalom feel that their children are receiving a “chinuch” in day camp.
By the same token, it is not a healthy attitude for day camp directors and staff to consider themselves as being in the field of “chinuch”. They can be great at their professions and provide wonderful services for us, but let’s keep our heads screwed on straight please.
@Spritz you may right that all chinuch should take place at home. In a perfect world that would be the way it’s done. Unfortunately it is not that way. I don’t know much about this camp per se, but having good mechanchim running a camp is a bonus.
I am sorry but your comment about therapists is uncalled for. You come across as if we are not worth anything and your way is the answer to all problems. Very misleading and I will be dan lekav zhus that you did not mean it like that.
As a therapist I love working with mechanchim and have seen much success when we work together and appreciate each others work.
I think you should consider clarifying your write up.
I am looking forward to another school year working with all the wonderful mechanchim to help our children.
@Dave the Brave,
Of course having a good mechanech run a camp is certainly a bonus. In a similar sense that having a talmid chacham or tzadik or baal chesed or medakdek bemitzvos, etc… running a camp would be a bonus. It’s always good to have good people around! The point is that camp environments are entirely unrelated to any dimension of chinuch, so I just wanted to bring that to the readership’s attention.
To From a therapist:
I’m deeply sorry that you took it that way and you’re right that it may have been misleading, for which I apologize profusely. All I meant to express was my personal experiences with the cases I dealt with, not chas v’shalom a blanket statement about all therapists.
Keep up your phenomenal work with tremendous hatzlacha!
Maybe so, @from a therapist, but we all know that rotten apple therapist. There are too many too count and while I am sure you are a great one, the rabbi makes a good point from experience.
There will always be rotten apples in every line of work. Yes, the point is true but that does not mean anyone is a rotten apple even the ones who he was referring to. Even if the professionals were wrong in those cases this does not make them “rotten” or “bleak”….
beautiful piece, well written, sheyirbu kmoisi byisroel!!
Thank you for clarifying.
@therapist, the writer is simply trying to say that we should not be needing to go through therapists to have our kids turn out normal, if only the foundations would be set properly from the beginning, sorry-don’t mean to take away your business but just like good doctors wish for less sick patients….we hope therapists should be seeing less patients as well
wow! we need more camps like this in lakewood!
As a counselor in the camp i can attest to the programs success. Although the main chinuch is not in camp, great mechanchim are extra helpful for some kids who have more difficulty during the year. Even if they may not feel validated during the year at least in camp they are. Also, why not take the advice for rebbeim through the school year and parents at home. I think both @spritz and @therapist ignored the point that the writer tries bringing out and shtelled on one prat that he said. Having a different vantage point than most readers i will say that when counselors give kids attention and trust, they feel really good about themselves. A number of years ago one kid who i tried very hard to be patient and understanding with came over to me at the end of the summer and told me “thank you so much for everything you did for me, I’ll remember you for the rest of my life.” Quote from a third grader. Don’t underestimate the power of each individual.
Kol Tuv