It happens in the best of communities – even in Lakewood. And parents are frustrated because nothing is being done. Let’s face a very uncomfortable fact. Bullying is a problem that exists even in our times – in our yeshivos, day schools, Bais Yaakovs, and camps. Bullying is an issur d’Oraisa—a Torah prohibition.
Bullying starts in the lower grades, and left unchecked, goes on and on in higher grades.
It happens in three places primarily: Recess (when there is minimal supervision); the Bathroom, and the Bus.
These are the areas that need to be addressed and changed. Rebbeim work hard, true, and they need to get together with other peers. But recess time is the time when they need the Rebbeim the most. The same is true with Morahs.
Students need this support.
We need to give them tools to identify bullying and to know what to say when it happens. We need to tell the class what bullying is, and to call it out with, “That’s not nice!”
It needs to be out in the open as to how to respond. It should not be done behind closed doors.
The existence of bullying in our institutions is tantamount to having pork or any other treif or tamei food in our midst and must be eradicated, lest it can have very devastating ramifications.
“You idiot, I am going to hurt you during recess.”
“Oh, so you can’t come on the skiing trip because your parents can’t afford it? So sad.”
“Is cancer contagious?” asked a group of seventh-graders of another seventh-grader whose mother passed away from cancer. The child was distraught from the teasing and bullying, and did not come back the following year.
A girl with a darker complexion was bullied. Other girls made fun of her, refused to let her partake in activities, and gave her negative nicknames. She left her Torah environs and did not return.
Rachmana litzlan – May the Merciful One save us.
These are real-life examples of school-based bullying. They are also a Torah violation called ona’as devarim. The pasuk in Vayikra states, “V’lo sonu ish es amiso – Do not afflict each other” (25:17), and it is from here that we see the issur violated in bullying.
The Chikrei Lev (YD Vol. III #80) writes that the prohibition could also be violated through inaction. For example, if someone recites a MiSheBeirach for a number of people but purposely leaves one person out, he is in violation of this prohibition. A sad aspect of this prohibition is that violators are often unaware that they are verbally abusing or causing pain. Often they may characterize the recipient of their statement, words, or actions as “overly sensitive.” This is an incorrect rationalization to justify a violation of a Torah prohibition.
Additional Ramifications
The prohibitions are not limited to the prevention of ona’as devarim.
Children who are bullied often experience negative physical and mental-health issues, such as depression, anxiety, sadness, loneliness, and loss of interest in activities they used to enjoy. It can drive them to such anger that they can involve themselves to serious acts of violence, chalilah – to themselves and to others. The verse in Parashas Ki Seitzei (Devarim 22:2) discusses the mitzvah of hashavas aveidah—returning an object—with the words “Va’hasheivoso lo—and you shall return it to him.” The Gemara in Sanhedrin (73a) includes within its understanding of these words the obligation of returning “his own life to him as well.” For example, if thieves are threatening to pounce upon him, there is an obligation of “va’hasheivoso lo.”
Since embarrassing someone is compared to spilling his blood, there may also be a negative mitzvah of not standing idly by your brother’s blood. This is mentioned both in Shulchan Aruch (C.M. 426:1) and in the Rambam.
There is yet another negative commandment associated with the positive commandment of hashavas aveidah, and that is the verse in Devarim (22:3), “You cannot shut your eyes to it.” This verse comes directly after the mitzvah of hashavas aveidah. The Netziv (HeEmek She’eilah) refers to this mitzvah as well.
The Ramban, Toras haAdam Shaar HaSakana (pp.. 42–43), understands the verse of “And love thy neighbor as yourself” as a directive to save him from danger as well. Although he discusses the issue of medical danger, it is clear that this is but an example, and it would apply to emotional danger as well. Even without the Ramban, however, it is clear that defending and protecting someone from an emotional danger is a fulfillment of this mitzvah.
In Our Schools And Camps
Whose responsibility is the prevention of bullying? What can be done about it, since, as is often the case, most bullying happens under the radar?
It seems clear that the responsibility of minimizing the bullying and ona’as devarim in an institution lies with the administration, rebbeim, and teachers.
These mitzvos and the idea of preventing bullying should be taught in the curriculum of our yeshivos and Bais Yaakovs alongside the other issurim and mitzvos that we teach. Perhaps our kashrus texts should include a chapter on the issurim of ona’as devarim and bullying. Since bullying happens at the high-school level as well (20 percent, according to CDC statistics), it should be implemented at all levels.
EQUIPPING OUR CHILDREN
Experts tell us that we should equip our children with the ability to recognize bullying. They have delineated five different types of bullies (but there may be several more).
- The Bullied Bully
Often a bully is someone who was and or is continuing to be bullied by another. The bullied bully, picked on elsewhere in life, picks on other weaker kids in a misguided attempt to build his own warped sense of self-esteem. A possible response on your child’s part (which may result in a bloody nose, but may also be worth it) is: “Listen, you seem to be bullying me. It is wrong and incorrect behavior. Are you being bullied elsewhere in your life and are you trying it on me so you can feel better? I urge you to talk about it with someone. It is the right way to go, friend.”
- Popular Bullies
Popular bullies are often those that are wealthy, athletic, or good-looking and have not learned to handle it well. They find that they can intimidate others and perversely learn to enjoy it. They can get away with it because their peers wish to be accepted by them and they do not do the right thing. Bullying because their peers, who should stand up for the victims, want to be accepted by them. Their peers and or parents should say, “This is definitely not cool. You afe better than this and do not need to put down or bully others. Be a force of good in the world instead.”
- Relational Bullies
A third type of bully is called a relational bully. He or she may gossip, or call others names. Jealousy is the underlying root of it. Or an irrational fear that the other is more popular and will replace them. They are called relational because in order to feel better about themselves, they need to feel superior to someone else. Many of their peers won’t correct the behavior because they just might be their next victim.
- Serial Bullies
A serial bully will often deny his or her bullying. They are absolute masters of manipulation and or deception. The serial bully may even disguise as a friend, and convince others that they meant well or it was all one big misunderstanding. “Are you serious? He likes it! I am so so sorry,” is a go to response.
- Group Bullies
Sometimes people behave differently in a group – even though when they are alone they would never do such a thing. They can do something incredibly mean when they are part of group-think, This too is onaas dvarim and must be recognized and nipped in the bud. These people lose their ability to stop themselves and or think on their own. A gang mentality sets in and the go to excuse is, “Buut it wasn’t just me – everyone was doing it!”
WHY IT HELPS
The reader may ask why it is important to know these various types. It is important to actually teach and see what bullying is, how to stop it within ourselves and how to respond to it in others. It will enable the child not to mistake it for friendship or just a given that must be accepted. It also helps the child get over personal insecurities that could be exacerbated by bullying and realie that it is not him or her – but rather another person’s maladjustment.
What Not To Do
Parents, teachers and menahalim should not say, “Oh kids will be kids, they will figure it out.” Bullying is something that should be nipped in the bud. This is particularly true at the beginning of the school year and is another underlying message of Chanukah – a time of re-dedication.
The author can be reached at [email protected].
What an important article. Those who bully other kids should be punished severely so they learn their lesson. Yeshivos and schools must have a zero tolerance policy. Unfortunately I had experience with one school that pretented there wasn’t an issue and tried to convince my son that he was exaggerating. BH we were able to switch to a different school that takes bullying very seriously. I hope the child who unfortunately had to use violence because he was being bullied finds peace within himself and moves on to a place where he can start over fresh.
Thank you Rabbi Hoffman
Finally an article with tachlis. Bully awareness MUST be the priority of the schools. The parents should be teaching their children not to bully and if unfortunately their child is a victim of a bully how to deal with it but unfortunately most of the bullying takes place in school. Agree that teachers and rebbeim work hard but their job isn’t done when the recess bell rings! They have an achrayis to those kids. So take your coffee and snack and eat and schmooze with the other teachers but MUST be near the children and yes, even keep an eye out for bullying behavior! Another point is the punishment of the bully- don’t just suspend them! That gives them a day off and certainly doesn’t teach them a lesson. There has to be another way that doesn’t make matters worse for the bully who is obviously hurting or disturbed but gets the message across that it won’t be tolerated and shows the victim that someone is protecting him. Words can often hurt more than physical pain but yet when a victim of a bully finally fights bad they’re the ones that get in to trouble. That is so wrong!!!!!! When the bully recuperates he should be dealt with, punished in a way that he’ll never do it again. Mentioned above is the bullying on the bus. It’s a massive issue, especially by the boys. Derech eretz kadma latorah. Perhaps the yeshivas should concentrate on middos and not push Gemara Gemara Gemara and then send home news letters with stories of gedolim with midos. That’s not teaching them. Todays children no longer learn as much as the previous generation by example. That’s not enough. They need to be spoon fed! This should be top priority in schools and at home. Thank you for this wonderful article.
It’s well known that bullies themselves are often in tremendous emotional pain, which causes them to pick on others (sometimes in the same way that they are being hurt or were being hurt). What these kids need is help, not punishment! Check what’s going on at home!
Not enough effort is being done to deal with bullies my son years ago was bullied by a classmate the school said we can’t really do too much because the parents give a lot of money to the school. I know a girl who was bullied in high school she ended up in public school not sure if she’s religious anymore
it’s the responsibility of the owners of the schools to care about each of their students and every child who suffers from it they are to blame
When kids leave the derech after being bullied in school, it’s not always because of the bullying, but because of the adults who are supposed to be in charge but who ignore it, rationalize it, or blame the victim. The kids get a strong message of hypocrisy from the yeshiva.
Thanks for this article.
As this is an Issur D’Oraysa, we should not concentrate on this only in school, recess, bathroom and bus. This is a problem in our neighborhoods and homes. Parents are not aware and are not bringing up their kids with this in mind. Popular refrains from parent when this is brought to their attention that they kid is terrorizing another kids… ‘Kids will be Kids’ and need to learn to be able to handle this themselves… or if there is an issue… there are always 2 sides to the story”. I see groups of kids in all Frum blocks or neighborhoods taunting other kids, actively excluding one kid (parents say “kids don’t have to be friends with everyone” and “can choose their friends” – great except when they threaten other kids not to play with them and the child is left alone and sad with no one to play with… while the street or house next door is full of everyone their age but for them) or endless teasing a kid (you smell the garbage in your kitchen or all sorts of body shaming and hurtful comments). I think if parent understood this as a real chiyuv of chinuch of their children against an Issur D’oraysa… they would react quite differently and help make our communities far ahead of what I saw as the same in deeply mixed communities of Jews and non Jews.
My 5 y/o son gets bullied on the block. It’s older boys of 2 families that start it. The mother of one of the families told me. . . “Well, your son reacts and does not respond nicely”
My son does not initiate these attacks, the other kids do. I told her “It does not matter how my son reacts, your kids should not start up with him”
No-one was home. I feel like I got nowhere.
As someone who has been in chinuch (a Rebbi and currently a Menahel) for many years, I must say that you missed 3 points. One point is that often “bullying” is a behavior that is modeled by adults, particularly parents for their children. There is PLENTY of bullying in the adult world that is dressed up as other things (askanus, CEO etc), but the kids see right through it. Number 2, a lot of times it is the victims that need help with behaviors which makes them into prime targets for bullies. This does NOT excuse the bully, but the victim will not have all that he needs if we just go after the bully because often times another bully will come along after bully one is gone. Point number 3 is that often times normal teasing is labeled bullying. Although no amount of teasing should be tolerated, referring to small things as bullying does injustice to those who are the victims of real bullying and causes real bullying to be taken less seriously than it should be. Blaming schools that try very hard (which almost all of them do) doesn’t help. Rebbeim and Menahalim are human and even when trying their best, are not always able to eradicate every bully from the school. That said, we all could try harder. Ironically there is an element of bullying in this article with the perpetrator being someone who isn’t in the field of chinuch painting with a broad brush those who are.