In my psychotherapy practice, one of the common issues I work with men on is their marriage. People ask me all the time how it’s possible to work on marriage with the man alone. How can there be any change without both of them working together? The answer is that every relationship, but especially marriage, functions like a dance. We’ve all had the experience at a wedding where the guy or woman next to you is off beat in their dancing. That disrupts the rhythm for everyone. The marital dynamic operates exactly the same way. If one spouse changes themselves (the dance), the dynamic has to change regardless of whether the other spouse changes on the individual level. Knowing that is incredibly empowering. The power to shift your marriage from conflict and negativity to connection and meaning is in your hands. This article will focus on a few key points in creating a new dance.
Before discussing marriage, we first need to take a look at how our individual psyches function. We think of ourselves as a single, unified personality. In actuality, our psyche is split into many different parts. To simplify this, we’ll call it the “Adult” part and the “Child” part. I explain this to my clients as follows. When I’m in my office with clients, I talk, look, and behave like an adult. When I go home and play with my young kids, I might be crawling on the floor and making crazy faces and noises. Is that the same person that’s sitting doing therapy with my clients? It definitely doesn’t look like the same person! In those moments I look like a two year old because in those moments I actually am a two year old. A long time ago I was once two years old, my brain has stored the perspective, feelings, thoughts and behaviors of that two year old. That and all other aspects of my childhood are stored, available to be reactivated at any time. In short, even as a fully developed adult, the child we once were is wired into our brain.
The adult and child part of us reside in different regions of the brain. The adult is in the prefrontal cortex of the brain, the higher, more sophisticated part of the brain, the child part resides in the limbic system, the more emotional part of the brain. The implications of that is that each part has very different characteristics, skills, motivations, and even personalities. The adult in us is logical, grounded, responsible, can see things from the big picture, and can communicate clearly. The adult can respond from a more nuanced instead of a black or white perspective and can anticipate consequences of actions. The adult is motivated by values, meaning, long term goals and accomplishments.
The child in us has two sides to it. One side of the child is playful, fun loving, exuberant, warm, adorable, spontaneous and excited. The other side of the child is angry, hurt, spiteful, fearful, feels small and ashamed, needy and alone. The child part also has difficulty with controlling impulses. Both sides of the child are driven by emotion, cannot relate to logic, are focused exclusively on their own needs and wants, and cannot think outside of what they are experiencing in the moment.
With this perspective it’s easy to understand what causes most problems in marriage. Most people bring their adult side to their work. If not, they’d be out of a job. No boss would tolerate a child’s tantrums! Home however, is another story. Many people enter marriage with the expectation that their spouse will be the perfect person, capable and willing to meet all their needs. That is obviously impossible, if we can’t be perfect and meet all of our own needs, how can someone else? When that reality sets in, so does the negativity, resentment, hurt, conflict and disconnection.
Both the unrealistic expectation in marriage and the resulting problems are stemming from the child part. The child part is focused on his/her needs. When those needs go unmet, the child reacts in the moment without contemplating the impact of his/ her words and actions. The child is hurt and lonely. Compounding the pain is the erroneous belief that one’s friends and family are all in marital bliss. They aren’t, they’re struggling too.
For marriage to work it must be led by our adult side. Our adult side can understand and be motivated by a deeper, more meaningful motivation than just it’s own needs and wants. The adult part also has skills that the child part does not. The adult can respond and communicate with logic, wisdom and nuance. The adult can contemplate the ramifications of reacting negatively and control him/herself.
What are those “adult” motivations? Each person must determine what those are for themselves. However, as Jews, our Hashkafa gives some for us to start with. We believe in a mission that is greater than our own desires. We are alive for a purpose. A part of that purpose is to become more like Hashem. What does that mean? As we say in the יג מדות הרחמים, Hashem is compassionate, tolerant, patient, forgiving etc. Marriage presents us with the opportunity to develop and grow in the attributes of Hashem. The hurt and disappointments that we endure can be catalysts for fulfilling our ultimate goal of developing those qualities in the face of adversity. Another reason we marry is broader than just the relationship. Family life and raising children as the future of כלל ישראל is another important part of our mission.
Does this mean we are doomed to a life filled with duties and hard work while stifling our desire for love, connection, and happiness? Not at all. Both from a spiritual as well as a psychological perspective, the opposite is true. Paradoxically, the harder we try to be happy in any area of life, the more miserable we are. A key psychological principle that many therapeutic modalities are based in is that happiness cannot be achieved through our direct efforts. Happiness is a result of our dedication and focus on something we value. In the words of renowned psychologist Viktor Frankl, happiness is a “side effect of a dedication to a course greater than oneself”. Happiness is an emotion that is unachievable on its own. In this regard it is similar to fame. Can someone strive to become famous without anything to be famous for? Fame is the result of achieving excellence in a specific area. Like fame, happiness is the result of a dedication to something that we value.The more we are focused on our growth and betterment as individuals, the happier we become.
There’s another reason that an “adult” focus on growth leads to marital satisfaction. The more someone tries to get you to change, the less likely you are to actually change. When each spouse is focused on getting what they want from the other, they are less likely to get it. When each spouse focuses on how they can be the best husband/wife they can be, for their own personal growth, surprisingly they each end up getting more of what they each want.
A flourishing marriage requires a balance between the adult and child parts of each spouse, with the adult in the lead. An analogy to this is a car with an adult and children going somewhere. To get from point A to point B, the adult needs to be in the driver seat, with the kids in the back. If the kids are driving there will likely be an accident. If the kids are in the back, the drive can be both pleasant and safe.
In marriage, the adult with his/her bigger picture values and skills needs to be in the driver’s seat. The child has an important part to play but from the back seat. When enjoying each other’s company, intimacy, or playing a game together, the child adds playfulness, passion, connection and warmth to the relationship. When discussing finances, parenting, or any other topic that requires adult skills and communication, the adult part, with its reason, logic and ability to stay calm and focused on the bigger picture needs to be in the lead.
A common issue is when the child part gets “triggered” in the midst of an adult conversation. A trigger is when something in the present pushes on the sore spot of the child part due to their personal history. For example, if one spouse was heavily criticized as a child, they will likely be sensitive to criticism as an adult. If in the midst of a conversation about parenting, one spouse has a critical tone or body language, that will “trigger” the hurt, anger and defensiveness of the other spouse’s child part. When that happens, the ensuing anger and verbal sparring can derail the conversation. Keeping the adult in the driver’s seat necessitates developing an awareness for when triggering happens and using adult skills to pause the conversation, settle the child part, and then continue the conversation. There are certain cues that the child part is triggered: Fast, loud speech, and tense facial expressions are strong indicators that the child part is there. There are many tools and techniques that can rapidly calm the child part in the moment, and can also help to heal the underlying hurt and childhood wounds that cause the triggering. One such tool is Emotional Freedom Techniques, visit eftinternational.org for details (you can also get my mini course on how to use EFT here https://wa.me/p/8754329444583992/12162006294)
In summary, changing the dance in marriage necessitates the following. The “adult” part of us with both it’s spiritual, growth oriented values and and bigger picture perspective as well as it’s relationship skills such as communication, calm and ability to integrate a spouse’s perspective must be in the “driver seat”. The child part is critically important in the bonding and connection of the relationship but the adult needs to keep a watchful eye for when the child gets triggered so that that the child does not wreak havoc on the relationship. When the child part does inevitably get worked up, the adult part will be ready to settle the child part, resulting in a harmonious, meaningful marriage.
Chaim Moshe Steinmetz LISW
Chaimmoshesteinmetz.com
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