A father recently contacted me regarding his 12 yrs son. The Menahel had called him, explaining that they had tried various avenues to help his son without success, and they were now laying out 8 rules for the boy to adhere to, with the parents signature. If his son did not follow them, he would not be allowed to remain in the school. I found many of the rules to be extreme.The father called me anxiously, asking what to do.
In order to get a full picture of the boy, I evaluated him and it turned out that he had a reading deficiency and a definitive lack of learning skills. I was able to reassured his father that this was a standard case and that it was fixable. I shared with him a story which happened three years ago, where a parent contacted me crying that his 14 year old son, whom we will call Levi, had been kicked out of 5 schools and he now hated rabbis and religion.
Before evaluating Levi, he told me vehenemtly that he had a strong hatred for rabbis for what they had done to him. (I explained that the “rabbis” he was referring to were for the most part, not ordained rabbis, but they used the title since they taught kodesh subjects in school.) After the evaluation was completed, I was able to see that he could not read at all and I suggested to the father that, instead of hunting for a new yeshiva, to home school Levi for the remainder of the year and I would learn with him daily. I started learning with him, and after a number of months, Levi confided to me ( without having told his parents) that his moral standards had become very low. I continued to upgrade his reading and learning skills. He finished his home schooled year, receiving his diploma a year earlier than his peers, and he was now feeling very confident and moral was high. Subsequently, he went on to yeshiva in Eretz Yisroel for two years. I spoke with him recently and he told me that he has finished the whole Sidrei Misha and would like to get married and live in Eretz Yisroel. Giving the parent hope, I told the parent that his son did not come near to Levi’s level of yiddishkeit and morals.
In these two stories, the discerning factor was that the menahel did not listen to daas Torah. During a Torah Umesorah convention a number of years ago, it was explicitly stated that a child must not be allowed to be thrown out of school without another option to be given by the school. Boruch Hashem, these two boys are now doing well. The outcome could have turned out very differently as we are witnessing with many children now finding relief in other unfortunate ways.
The baseline is that a makom Torah must always find room in their school for each child, if they want the child to keep room in their heart for their Yiddishkeit!
Rabbi Abenson can be reached at 1877 HATALMUD (428 2568) or [email protected]
It’s way beyond time that both parents and Mechanchim are cognizant of some very basic facts about children:
1. Children want to succeed, they want to be liked, they like to excel
2. When a child is failing, it’s like when a child is r”l drowning – you must jump in IMMEDIATELY to save him (and not stand around hoping that he will save himself).
3. The first crucial thing that must be done is throw him/her a life-preserver Have him/her evaluated by professionals to figure out what is keeping him from succeeding. THERE IS ALWAYS A REASON (or multiple factors)! It may be a learning disability, a physical disability (seeing, hearing, etc.) or an emotional reason (something is going on in his life to disturb his ability to concentrate on his school work).
4. If the professionals can’t figure out what is going wrong, then they are the wrong professionals. Find someone else. Don’t let your child drown!
5. If the school is the wrong match (classes too large, no resource room, Hanhalah and teachers not receptive or not trained to deal with exceptional children) find a better row boat (a school and teachers who will work with your child).
6. Empathize with your child and keep the conversation open. Let him voice his frustrations. Let him know that you are in his corner and will do everything you can to help him succeed. Remember that you are the only lifeline he’s got. A caring Rebbe is great – but you’re his only Mommy and Tatty!
Hear hear! Well written
Obviously, this article is intended to spark a flame of hope for parents and children in towns with a limited choice of jewish schools, not just a wakeup call for Lakewood.
to comment #1 – I think your comment of “Have him/her evaluated by professionals to figure out what is keeping him from succeeding” is very important but an oversimplification. Often this is not a simple thing, but an ongoing constant process, which doesn’t lead to clear results and sometimes make things worse. In these two cases we see that there were undetected learning/reading problems, and B”H they were resolved. Unfortunately, sometimes the problems are less clear, less definable and less correctable. The child doesn’t appreciate the tutoring, specialized type of learning etc. May we all be zocheh to find the right shilichim, and may Rabbi Abenson continue to have much s’yata d’shamaya.
Have been screaming about this for ages- it is high time that all yrshivas test their students by the 4th or 5th grades to see if the child is sufferring with learning disabilities-
It is much more economical to identify and address these issues earlier than later – both from a practical and emotional aspect
If the child has a kriah problem try vision therapy. Baruch Hashem it saved my son.
Several years ago my son needed such evaluation but we had a very difficult time finding somebody professional. We were offered “knowledgeable people” for $$$ who had no credentials or degrees and, therefore, no accountability. Way too many times we were told “not to worry” but were not helped at all. Why is it that people chose to see top Manhattan specialists when the medical problem occurs, lo aleinu. But when it comes to our children, parents accept “heimishe specialists” – what if the results of such intervention fail, who is responsible for that?